Bob Wilson

T-shirt with "This is the Dawning of the age of Asparagus" by Everything Vegan

I used to have a friend who thought it was hilarious that I dislike the number 13. She was otherwise lovely, but genuinely poked snorty fun at me for this one thing. Anyhow, yeah, she died a few years back on the 13th. Wasn’t a Friday, but still.
Hashtag Triskaidekaphobia.

Her: You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not.

Me: Oh great, now that's my fault too.

logging on

People who point out that tomatoes are fruits should also give cucumbers equal time.

Chips? No. Tots? Totes!

Crumpets, the original thinking person's crumpet.

Being an adult means sometimes not being able to tell which of you is avoiding the other when it comes to reciprocal invitations. Anyhow yeah, another rain check. No prob. 👍

When someone says that they did something "single handedly" never ask what their other hand did.

Pasta Puttanesca...

Puttanesca: Italian, from puttana ‘prostitute’ (the sauce is said to have been devised by prostitutes as one which could be cooked quickly between clients' visits).

So, when you say "Pasta Puttanesca like my momma used to make", I now know what you're really saying.

When I was a child, a teacher read "The Princess and the Pea" out loud to us and I remember thinking "of course she can tell when somebody peed in her bed, it'd be wet."

tuna melt = medicine

It's Friday the 13th. If anything bad happens to you it's the stupid day and not your fault at all. Now that you are absolved of responsibility you are free to do anything!

it's that time of year when I remember a guy I knew. He used to start a fight and break up with his girlfriend the week before Valentine's Day. A week later he'd "apologize" and they'd be back together. Gaslighting the poor girl just because he wanted to save money. What a jerk. They're married now.

"Lightly Salted" is the methadone of the Pringles family.

In this land of myths, be a legend

I love how all of the women sitting around the knitting shop stay silent while I'm in the store because I know I'll be the topic of conversation for two hours after I leave.

Today I learned that I’d rather scrub the toilet than write an awkward email. On the plus side, my bathroom now sparkles.

Historians consider Pilates V as the fittest Roman emperor.

Courtesy requires an amount of caffeine I have not yet consumed. Be warned.

"What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in stupidity."

He called me his zephyr just now but I swear I didn’t fart or anything.

Healing is hard, and food can be comforting. The world is on fire. Eat the damn German apple pancake.

"Gee, my current hobby costs too much... maybe I should take up knitting."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oooo, sounds lovely

Currently going through the "rosemary & salt bagel phase" of my life. IYKYK.

Life needs to be more like dim sum.

I'm just an udon guy in a ramen world.

If it's any consolation, we're 90% sure monkeys don't understand the underlying meaning behind an extended middle finger.