This was the White House's war plan:
Day #1 : Bomb
Day #2: Iran becomes a white Christian nationalist country
Day #3: Free gas
Day 4: Kid Rock concert/UFC fight broadcast from Tehran
So far, things are a bit off track
I never thought I'd be jealous of dead people but damn, being dead looks so stress free.
Sorry can't, they've rolled coal into my soul.
Falafel? more like falawsome
coworker: hey how’d you pitch for 100 dalmatians go
me: *laying face down in a grassy knoll* craig beat me again
Yeah, I read something from him recently and he just came off like a dick
The voice that won over Ira Glass hasn't changed much since 1992. It's more subdued than it was in riotously funny essays like "Me Talk Pretty One Day," but the wry wisecracking, the deliberate bitchiness — those qualities are still in evidence. Still, in "Cash and Carry," when Sedaris critiques the phrasing on a homeless man's cardboard sign ("It should be 'Help one of the homeless,' I wanted to tell him. Otherwise it sounds like you’re going to take whatever you collect and distribute it to other people in need."), I sympathize with the guy's response that he hopes Sedaris burns in hell. His essays often derive their humor from catty, judgmental moments like that one, and so it's notable that this is the first time I can remember reading one and being firmly on the other person's side. The tone may not have changed, but Sedaris's positioning inarguably has. The very bitchiness which once made his voice feel so fresh has become a commonplace in humor writing; writers from Tina Fey to Samantha Irby have surpassed him in their own fluent versions of it. Watching him uphold it now with such determination feels like watching your dad try to squeeze into the leisure suit he last wore in 1971. Sedaris spent so many years assuring us he was an incurious curmudgeon that he seems to have talked himself into becoming one, at least on the page.
i wrote about why david sedaris’s writing leaves me cold now
www.patreon.com/posts/152798...
many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog
POV you are meeting Bluesky mutuals in real life
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then the opposite of a hospital is an orchard.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
her: i would do unspeakable things to you
me: *hands her a pen and paper*
I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.
Conversely in the fall one day they are just like.
what. the FUCK!?
The dogs are like, "I dunno man, they've been feeding us like an hour early for days and hell if I'm going to say anything"
Wife is out of town for the night so I told the kids that if they need to wake me, they'll have to hit me in the face with a frying pan.
Anyone seen Karma around?
That bitch is way behind on work
I just need someone I can slap on the ass every morning and say go get ‘em tiger
leaders like trump are why sun tzu had to write a bunch of advice like "don't write your enemy a letter detailing what tactics you really don't want them to do"
Hey guys, Walgreens just called and texted and e-mailed and called again and MY PRESCRIPTION IS READY
The Singularity is upon us: Apple's AI summarized a text message that read "I'm still down to clown if you are" to.... "clown event still possible."
We don't talk enough about the fact that according to Shigeru Miyamoto, Mario and Luigi's full names are "Mario Mario" and "Luigi Mario."
Most accurate portrait of modern culture currently available
the new york times post captioned “here are the suggested serving sizes of common household supplies that surprised us the most” with a photo of a glob of white goo in the palm of a hand
gotta be another way to do this
Remembering that time I was playing Trivial Pursuit with my parents back in the day and the question was: Who is nicknamed Mr. October and my brother said "Jesse Jackson!" and my Dad without missing a beat said "yeah his other nickname is The Reverend"
Nice weather is here: time to ruin everyone's day at the park by putting on the shortest pair of running shorts known to man.
Yeah, I zoomed in to see if he had hair under his hat (no determination), and, ironically, it looks like he has hair ON his hat. Specifically, pubic hair.
coffee mug: "NOT dishwasher safe"
me: you’ll be okay just do your best in there
Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.
Prostitution implies the existence of Amateurstitution
