Goldsteel

I wonder if pop-up pirate liked being stabbed repeatedly

I am increasingly disappointed that more of the things that were free to everyone when I was a child are now subscription services that raise their prices every 6 months.

I am counting down to the point where my wheelie bin won't even open unless I scan my card.

Adobe does this if you open a PDF

I am the adult and I decide what we have for dinner. Now, finish your skittles on toast.

Open a PDF and 4 different popups say "ask AI assistant to summarise your document"

I CAN READ, DUMBASS. FUCK OFF.

The probability of the public urinal trough containing milk and cereal is slim, but not zero.

I'll only buy a house with a solid foundation and firm brickwork. It's a good investment and requires minimal repairs. Also, when the wolf comes, he'll huff and he'll puff and be grossly disappointed.

SHUT UP. My Dad works for the Microsoft help and support team and he will ISSUE CLOSED on you without reading what you posted.

I was never really able to psychologically recover from 'the peas are upside down' image. Reality hasn't been the same since.

I nervously laugh as I walk through the metal detector and it beeps. "Must be my balls of steel, haha". I lie to the security officer knowing full well that I have eaten 3 boxes of office paperclips today.

Could go for some Greggs Benedict right now

I would like to thank my 100 followers for witnessing my mental illness and subsequent descent into lunacy where I am assassinated for speaking the truth by an unknown nationstate actor called Bob.

This is LIFE under SOCIALISM!! *shows you a picture of a slum in late stage western capitalism*

Boss said to reroute the plumbing in this sector. Looks like coffee, diarrhea, chocolate milk and gravy flow through this pipe bundle. I sure hope I don't mix these labels up!

(pouring MicroMachines™️ into the carbonara)

“Truly it enhances the flavour”

Clothes are topologically no different to spagetti.

Until we meet again!

Remember: Unicode contains a transgender flag and a pride flag but not a confederate flag or a nazi flag.

Should have ordered non-sentient skimmed milk in retrospect

Songs on the radio shouldn't include screaming, alarms, horn honking, sirens or anything of that sort.

Television adverts should not have door knocking sounds.

"Go ad free with premium!"

Oh, cool!

*closes your website*

PDF of kebab and chips

there's a local kebab place whose website claims to have a PDF of the menu, but when you open the PDF it's just a single photo of a kebab and chips

I would like to make a crispy cereal with just colourful number shapes so that the tagline can be "It's time to crunch the numbers"

Watching videos of children screaming endlessly during the entire minecraft movie, quoting AI slop memes and throwing expensive popcorn at the screen is actually making me age 500 years.

Nothing quite like seeing AI slop plastered across Amazon taking advantage of patriotic holidays.

I just had a robocall from an unknown number that shouted "HELLO. ADD ME ON WHATSAPP." then it hung up

My fucking local council just added MICROTRANSACTIONS to the bin collection I am fucking reeling

Bad AAPL

Someone has genuinely put a leaflet through my front door that was stuck shut with what smells like human semen. How. Why. WHY? Were you walking around with cummy hands???

Drinking from my hip flask in public and every time someone gives me a dirty look I just say "Ribena".

(Actually it's Vimto)

Turns out ASUS just lies in it's documentation about which motherboards support which processors. Not a good look.