Michael

Just spent 5 minutes trying to unscrew a plastic lid off of a bottle of grape juice, so yeah, that gym membership's really paying off!
#SummerBody #GetLean #CelebrityFitness #GetSwole #AthleticLooks

Ok, I'll admit it. I voted for the cookie monster.
Anybody that enthusiastically pro-cookie, is my kind of candidate!
#MeWantCookie 🍪 #Election2026

Well, I think my body is finally acclimating and getting used to winter and the cold weather.

*looks at forecast and sees it getting up to almost 80° for the next eight days*

SON OF A....

I'm glad whoever's been driving past the trailer park and shooting guns at 5:30am in the morning decided to take the night off last night so I could get some sleep!
🤬

You know it been raining a lot when you wake up in the morning because you would have sworn you just heard a jet-ski go past the window....
🌧️
🌊

I'm so old, that one time I threw my shoulder out, by reaching behind my seat in the car....
👴🏼

[playing ball]
Teammate: Hey, do you have any ibuprofen?
Me: Oh sure, ask the old guy, with the grey hair and complains about his joints all the time! He'll have some ibuprofen!
Teammate: Oh, sorry! I just....
Me: No, you came to the right place! I've got a bunch of it out in my car. I got you dog!

Well I guess it's time to head back to the gym and start getting ready for the outdoor #volleyball season.

*looks at Krispy Kreme doughnut sitting on the counter*

STOP STARING AT ME!!
🍩

The heat settings on my electric blanket are low, medium, high, and bake!

Did it rain a lot the other day?
Let's just say I had to snorkel out to my car!
🐟

💗 I'm overdressed in so much red and pink today, that it would make Cupid dry heave! 🩷
#ValentinesDay

Hot Girl: Please don't shave your beard!
Me: I have to. It's been sponging up all the moisture in my face. My skin's dry, red and itchy.
Hg: Come on! Can't you wait a few more weeks?
Me: Okay, fine! I guess with the weather, I can give you a "snow delay".
🧔🏽

💓 Just wanted to give anyone I may be playing ball against tonight a heads up:

Since it's almost Valentine's day, instead of a handshake after the game, I will be giving you a dry hump! 💓

Out where I live in the country, when it's family picture day, there's a good chance you'll hear somebody's mama say, "Make sure to wear your DRESS baseball cap!"

It's "takes me 10 minutes to put all these layers of clothes on" degrees outside.
🥶

It was so windy the other day, that the buzzards hangin' around my place were flying backwards!

I'm no plumber, so I wanted to ask about pipes and cold weather.
🥶
Now, when there's icicles hanging from your faucets, that's bad, right?
🧊

I'm so poor, I have to do the math in my head to see how many bricks of ramen I can buy at the grocery store!
💸

Dang it!
These racoons are tryin' to break into my car again!

Dude, just get an Uber if you want to go to the landfill.
🦝

"There was so much snow around my mobile home, the possums couldn't crawl back under it"

....is probably the most hillbilly briar hopper thing I've said in the last month!

Hey baby, why don't we head back to your place and I'll "plow that driveway" for 'ya!
❄️
Why are you holding the snow shovel like a baseball ba!*CLANG*!

🍸 Home cold remedy 🍸:

Step 1. Put sock on doorknob of bedroom.

Step 2. Retire to bed with bottle of pink gin.

Step 3. Drink pink gin until you see 3 socks.

I had fun ice skating this morning.

.....off my porch!

I totally nailed the flying mid-air sit spin as I flew into my yard.
⛸️

Winter fitness season diet status:

I'm half way through a family size package of OREOs.
🌑

🧊 🥶 Thanks local news reporters for doing your report outside and telling me it was 25° this morning, I didn't realize that.... 🥶 🧊

Right before our last snowstorm, I put a gallon of milk on Facebook marketplace for $40!
🥛 #snowpocalypse2026 #SnowLaughingMatter #Hoth 🥛

Scored some milk and bread before the snow storm, but that little old lady really put up a fight!
I've still got bite marks from her dentures.
🧓🏻😬

Ok, I think I'm finally through....

✨Just finished up the last of my Christmas shopping!✨
🎁

Thay say Nort Carolina peepull stoopid and we ranked ded last in publick skool funding! Nort Karolina people not dum! Nort Carolina not hav edukayshun problum. We only ranked 51th out of 57 states! We smort! We hav big branes!

How long after Christmas before we can start being *bad* again?
👼