The Bearminator

A deluded man's home is his castle.

I seem to fit in pretty well with others who feel like they don't fit in either.

America isn't real. It's actually a social experiment testing how much its citizens can endure.

Sometimes it sits with me and sets down its drink that an illusion would get up and leave without this furniture. We believe in each other we're comfortable, as long as I vacuum right through reality's slippers

could someone go pee for me. i don't wanna get up

id give my balls a tug but osha says its a two-person job and i work alone

A friend of mine just finished medical school, but he can't find a job. If you have any leads, I'll pass them on to Dr. Bloodlust.

found a portal to another dimension at the bottom of my coffee cup quick hop in

drawing strength from daydreams

Boss: "You're fired."

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: "You're a waiter where did you get those?"

Anyone else unload the dishwasher just enough to load today's dishes?

my dog stands right behind me when I’m in the kitchen like he’s just waiting for me to step on him so he can sue me for financial compensation

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Macaroni & cheese has been acquired.
My stomach is pleased.

Mom said to dress my wound so I covered it in ranch now it’s bleeding even more and I’m craving chicken wings.

I’m not obligated to walk faster just because you decided to hold the door for me. If you have to wait, that’s on you. You chose the door-holding life.

allowing myself to believe that vision was in the corner of my eye and not in my imagination

Who me? Just munching a bag of Doritos and wondering if I could run for my life if I needed to.

Nobody names their Tybalts "Mercutio" anymore and other format lectures that didn't get any likes this semester

2027 will be as long from Austin Powers being unfrozen in 1997 as when he was originally frozen in 1967.

I dunno, I just feel like this Monday could've been an email.

Are you there, Cthulu? It's me, Kat.

As long as there's cheese, there's hope.

wait a second everyone lives happily ever after what kind of sick socialist fairy tale is this

I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .

2026 birthday gift idea: cash for Canadian flu shots

Not to brag but I've appeared on loads of 'What's Hot, What's Not' lists and the verdict is pretty unanimous.

I'm not.

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

i don’t call anyone by their full first name. daniel is dan steven is steve joanne is jo robert is rob jonathan is jon frankenstein is frank richard is dick ok hold on i didn’t think this through nvm