jonky

Defund Paw Patrol

To all my haters: yeh, ok fair enough

Huge Jack, Man!

Squares are just lazy rectangles

Doctor: one last push, Vin!

Vin Diesel: F…F—

Nurse: you can do it Vin!

Vin Diesel: F….FAAAAMILLLLYYY

[Emerging from Vin Diesel’s womb is none other than Paul Walker. The crowd goes wild.]

Crying in the fish & chips shop because they won’t deep-fry my dead hamster (it’s what she would have wanted)

I’m taking the dogs for a walk (running around a Tesco car park without any shoes on screaming for somebody to love me)

Fun fact: my sleep paralysis demon is Gary Busey

I hope my algorithm likes me 🥺

Swallowing marbles so the next time I get food poisoning I turn into a human machine gun

Suck it up

Followed

Real Housewives of Hyrule

Jesus Is The (flesh)Light

Someone’s had some nasty-ass sex in the Popemobile I just know it.

Love seeing a new generation of shit posters thrive on this platform

Forcing my nan to play Boar on the Floor or I won’t give her her medications

Bugs Bunny’s girlfriend in Space Jam fucked up an entire generation of men

Me (about to watch The Bear): a bear trying to run a restaurant?! This is going to be good.

Me (watching The Bear): he’s gonna show up any minute and fuck some shit up.

Me (after watching The Bear): this is bullshit

Mad Men is bullshit.

There were only a handful of scenes where I would describe the men as “mad”

Spearmint flavoured tacos

$10000000 business idea: holy communion wine flavoured vape

Lawyer: Mr. Kelly, these are very serious allegations we’re talking about.

Mr. Kelly: Please, call me Machine Gun

Cardiac arrest?! On what grounds?!

I want to carve the turkey this year and if dad tries any off his bullshit I’ll swing the saw around while screaming about the time I saw him smoking cigarettes behind the shed after he told mum he had quit

FUN FACT: Jesus’s middle name was “Ron” after celebrated actor, producer and filmmaker Ron Howard.

I would have bullied Harry Potter. Used wedgie spells on the nerd.

Giving Deliveroo drivers 1 star ratings if they refuse to hug me