skylar (18+)ΘΔ the cat dog in your drain pipes

man idk it feels like i have OSDD or something weird with my personality. it fluxuates a lot. Been interacting with a lot of systems lately and relating to a lot of facets of it. Stuff where i, feel like AuDHD is conneccted in some wy but... not exactly like... the reason for some stuff...idk...

Sorry for the breakdown posts again. I'll clean that up soon.

i do not give more than i take. i do not provide more joy than the stress and anxiety i cause. I am a net negative in this world whether there is positives or not.

and since i do this to everyone, ive done this to everyone. nothing has ever been enough for me. i always ruin people's lives. it's best if i go after this. It's best if i don't ruin anymore.

people might be sad but the sadness would be brief. Their lives would be more bright and beautiful than ever before with me gone.

everyone would be better off if i was dead. they would make more money. have more time for themselves. worry less. have more space, more time, more energy. killing my self would give back to the world. they would regain what i took from them.

i feel like i am everyone's worst nightmare. I am an unreliable artist and a piece of shit. I'm demanding and loud and it takes a lot to take care of me. my affect on this world is a net negative and i ruin the lives of the people around me

the thought of suffocating in a closet scares me because it's permanent. But i want out of this world. I want out. And i can't stop myself from hurting those around me. I can't. i might need to kill myself

i see why people resort to murder now when very mentally ill. I'd be lying if i hadn't thought of it as my wellbeing is utterly destroyed by these neighbors.

i wanna kill myself so bad. i want nothing more than the sweet release of death and to no longer burden this world with my filth

HUYHHHBDOES HE GET A SPEED BOOST WHEN HE SHOOTS OR SOMETHING HOLY SHIT YOURE FLYIN?????

and they happen spaced out in such a way that i spend most of my day withstanding the sound or recovering from the severe distress it causes

my sleep schedule is completely destroyed. i'm too afraid to do anything. too afraid to work, commit, anything. most of the time. I am completely nonfunctional because of the constant looming threat of the car engine and then the fact it happens for about 30% of every day.

i wish loud, low end noises didn't make me feel like this.

the like, 3 or 4 loud cars in this apartment complex have rendered me completely, utterly unable to function.

oh. I agree with that, i guess the wording confused me? Because yes, what's labeled as porn addiction most of the time is most definitely normal and the issue would be guilt. I definitely have been working on purging that guilt myself

she had tons of paper towel wads all around her desk and i wasn't allowed to beat off without her. She was a toxic person and there was a lot of signs that she had been breaking the rules she enforced on us and lying... That is the kind of person i'm talking about has an addiction.

oh my god... pretty sure my ex is a great example of this. I can't prove it, but she was incredibly toxic about me jerking off without her, but her sleep schedule was flipped from mine. she cheated on me. she lied aboutsims porn mods and got fired from so many jobs. pretty sure she had an issue w it

actually, i have a little more to say

There's also the fact for a lot of people, the issue isn't "porn addiction", it's depression, and porn consumption is a coping mechanism. i wouldn't call that an addiction, to be clear. And cessation of consumption in that case wouldn't fix the issue

like yeah sure maybe addiction isn't the right word... but then maybe it isn't the right word for gambling and shit. But what do we call it then...? :v

anyways, that's my rant, thanks for reading

I keep kinda squinting at the "porn addiction isn't real" response to purity culture and the extreme guilt a lot of people feel. It feels dismissive to people who actually have had issues with porn and had to face that reality and build a healthier relationship with it

It just affects different people in different ways. For some people an extremely high volume of porn consumption is fine and healthy, For others it isn't. it depends on your lifestyle and responsibilities. Just like a lot of things :v

honestly, if human beings can be addicted to sugar, coffee, weed, alcohol, gambling, acts of violence/feeling of superiority, you can be addicted to sex and/or porn. I don't understand what the difference is. It's using the same reward centers in your brain. it's a nuanced topic, (continued)

To the people that are all too happy about the NY AG Steam lawsuit saying that all the people against it are Valve stans.

I beg of you to understand the dangers of age verification to vulnerable populations that the lawsuit is pushing on the down low.

FOR EVERYONE not just people in NY.

balls

Fuck. i shit you not, it might be easier for me to deal with these loud cars if i turn my desk around. My right ear is at least twice as sensitive and when i turn my chair to face my left ear to it, it's... a bit more bearable. Right ear feels akin to someone giving me a wet willy.

been wild honestly to think back on my life and why i could always make furries seem so nice and good and normal to people. And realizing that the reason why it was so easy for me is i was just doing it in a "christian" way without the religious aspect of it. Idk how i never realized tbh.

i'm not a puritan anymore, but i used to be, so i think that's part of the quality. Tbh it's probably just that and that i'm white. But they don't know im not puritan anymore so they still perceive me that way

being queer furry and therian, and also struggling with mental health unfortunately makes me lose respect points in the eyes of people like that. But i am still aware that i have qualities that make them listen to me more than others. I can't ignore the privilege i possess even if its "stunted"

and it's more in line with my personal moral goal of doing my best to nurture community, compassion and human connection in my life time. I've felt like it's gonna be the best way for me to make an impact. starting small