There are two types of people in the world.
Those who think billionaires became billionaires through ethical and legal hard work and determination.
And those who have at least some grasp on reality.
Me to the worm making its way through RFK’s brain: “Girl, you ate!”
Republicans and democrats are just two balls of the same dick that Trump had in his mouth.
All my life I felt like I was being lied to. Then I found out what the lie was. Now, the lie has lost all novelty and become mundane.
Companies should stop wasting money on B.S. training materials and instead pay that money your more experienced coworkers who are going to end up being the ones who train you anyway.
Oh boy… Nazis.
What if we all got jobs with ICE but then just harassed white people in wealthy areas.
Conservatives should be offended. That’s how stupid republicans think their constituency is. They think they’ll be confused by 3 simple syllables. “Mam-da-ni?? No thank you! That’s too much for me!”
My favorite move out of the “not-racist” Republican playbook is pretending like they can’t pronounce ethnic-sounding, yet very simple, names like Kamala or Mamdani.
We know these Republican Nazis J.D. Vance is trying to claim are “kids” aren’t children because they’re far too old for Trump and his friends to be attracted to.
ATTENTION! Wally’s wants everyone to have pissy phones.
Ever worry that you are communicating too much unknowingly with your animal trying to use their language "We are the forever couple, we owe this thing a love with honesty. When we're rough around each other I'm thinking of cardboard"
I cannot recommend enough Visa’s new cum-free debit cards.
The best advice I can give you to working a super corporate job is to wait as long as possible to respond to someone and then when you do, ask them questions that were already answered in the initial correspondence.
They got DEI in our tomatoes now!?!?
A TV show about an epileptic unlicensed P.I. and his bloodhound partner named “Illegal Search and Seizure.”
That was so embarrassing! The wetter we got, the softer I got with my pastatute.
making sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed with a pen that ran out of ink a long time ago
We did not have to lend credibility to every crackpot fucking position we came across.
This is nothing new. When I was a boy, I had relatives who thought gravity wasn’t real, vaccines were poison, and Jews were behind everything. You know what we did? We got through thanksgiving dinner and went on our way. We DID NOT give them podcasts and presidential cabinet positions.
New Trump Aide Asking About a Light Switch: Would you like this on or off, sir?
Trump: Yes. And you’re going to need to shut your integrity off while you’re working here too.
(Leading him to the Sphinx) Yeah, it’s like a trivia night
Settle down. Don’t be so heteroperformative.
I don’t know what is going on with Fortnite right now, but apparently my son just bought some fantastic foreskin.
If i'm being chased by the cops i lke to sketch out hopscotch squares every few feet to make it more fun for us
I’m not the account you want but I’m the account you deserve.
