guelph’s finest poster

hamnet... sounds like the sorta thing a feller might use to catch himself a hog

i'm not even a big bad wolf myself, and i have no dog in this fight... but there is something about the ways and manners of the three little pigs that has me "seeing red" when i think of them

prince phillip riding in a car and looking like a boris karloff character in heavy makeup

the andrew formerly known as prince riding in a car after his arrest and looking like a total freak

one needn't like them to admit that both father and son have a certain "je ne sais quoi" when it comes to car rides

five days later and i am still watching this over and over, hoping that the outcome will magically change somehow. i lost $372,424.91 on this fucking game

It is absolutely bonkers that Canada isn’t stepping up here. Aside from the tourism ties, it is a looming humanitarian catastrophe. If Canada led, regardless of Washington’s position, others would surely follow.

*at 8

meeting my friend 8 so we can race to the bottom

given that we have reached the necessary temporal distance for clear and sober reflection on his legacy, i have no problem whatsoever with saying that the man should have been known as president wrongald reagan

elmo has been shot in dealey plaza. more to follow

a smiling worm wearing a hat and driving a car made from an apple, which has very small wheels and a high centre of gravity. it is wholly unsuited to steep inclines in inclement weather

i’d pay good money to see this smug sack of shit try to tackle an icy hill in the blackest depths of a canadian winter. ridiculous vehicle. fuck you

There is exactly 1 way that this sort of thing is put to a stop

they’re doing this specifically because they know it upsets people, they do not give a shit about being ratioed on twitter

getting up to check the DoorDash arrivals board and having it provide me with the first indications that 9/11 is happening again

checking in once again with the all-time king roy orbison. got a sweet little playlist cooked up on tidal with a bunch of my favourites: crying, only the lonely, running scared, engine on in the garage, golden gate bridge, desperate (make it stop), pretty woman, no funeral, and of course, ooby dooby

same way i know how it works: grad school

calling Monster Mash a "halloween novelty song" has proven, time and again, to be a massive miscalculation. seriously one of the most poorly aged takes of all time. it is a song for all occasions and all times of year. it was played at queen elizabeth II's funeral for a reason.

i think if i walked around with the assault on precinct 13 theme playing it would be cool. and potentially slightly badass as well.

thanks for the milkshake, man. you didn’t have to. [sipping thoughtfully] say, are you trying to lull me into a false sense of anything, by any chance? i won’t be mad, i’m just curious

INTERVIEWER: As you know, we are a nation beset by myriad horrors. What are you doing to fight back?
SCHUMER: I have been reaching out to the horrors, many of which are friends, in hopes of working together on this for all Americans. You demand we descend into hell? Well ok, but let's do it right.

just saw a few squirrels staging and attending a production of waiting for godot at coordinates 43.6875438, -80.4403747

let’s get carson back next

not going to work on tuesday. going to tell them i got raptured. then when wednesday rolls around and i show up at the office, i’ll explain that heaven sent me back because i forgot my puffer. my co-workers don’t know i’m not asthmatic. should be easy enough to fake an attack or two per year

screenshot of a customer service email from eventbrite that ends with "Have a great day! Best Regards, Himmler. The Eventbrite Customer Experience Team"

got a customer service email from eventbrite's own [squinting] Himmler...?

saw a trailer for the bruce springsteen movie and they basically do the "bruce springsteen has to think about his whole life before he plays" thing. we can't go back to this stuff. i'm sorry. hollywood cries out for the cleansing fire of another dewey cox film

yet another day of being black bagged, shoved in a car, driven to a second location, shot in the head, and dumped in a muddy culvert by my enemies (rhetorically)

[five beers in at the bar, i pull a crumpled photograph of myself and another 5’9 guy out of my pocket and tap on his face with my finger] that’s my buddy gravy dave. we was munchkins together in oz. [tearing up] he didn’t make it. witch got him. they’re pretty sure it was her. never found the body

had some gruel at a restaurant last night that i hadn’t had before— oatmeal congee. can’t stop thinking about it. woke up at 5:15 am thinking about how badly i wanted another bowl of slop. crazy flavour profile. one of the best things i have ever tasted. and you could shoot it at me with a big hose

might treat myself to a garment from the limited liability bean clothing company this autumn… if i deserve it. i don’t right now. i couldn’t justify it right now, on the basis of my behaviour of late

picture of a person in sunglasses wearing a backpack and standing on a train platform while smiling over their shoulder at the camera. headline text reads "i backpacked across europe for the first time, and 10 things surprised me about the 2-week adventure." below the headline is the business insider logo and byline

this amounts to less than one surprise per day. was business insider simply not able to find a writer with a more developed sense of wonder