LeBron’s your GOAT? Please. If picking any starting 5 to merge my consciousness into, I’m starting with Jordan, easily. Kobe’s up there with that mamba mentality too, but I betrayed Muchalinda while astral projecting and fear him and the retribution of all other Divine snakes
It’d be funny if they awarded MacArthur ‘Genius’ Grants. Like you still get the money and everything but if you accept it you have to live with what the sarcastic quotation marks imply about you
Our fates are now intertwined, playboy
“There are cathedrals everywhere for those with the eyes to see” -me in the cathedral district, walking down Church Street
It’s so funny Hinge lets you do this
[danzig voice] Mother / Tell your children not to call me gay
My first thought as I was waking up today was being seated on an airplane next to a cowboy named Lasso Joe with two prairie dogs on his lap. “Oh don’t mind them,” says Joe, “they’re just my emotional support varmints.” Not terribly funny, just something my brain produced between sleep and waking
Clicking the AI suggested “More about Jerry’s hallway” button so as to learn more about Jerry’s hallway
Imagining a guy uploading a video called “Two and a Half Men bikini moments compilation” to YouTube then waiting for it to upload and then once it’s posted jacking off to it
Oh you’re a “huge Twin Peaks fan?” Ok, name two of the peaks
So supposedly there’s a young man out there on the interwebs named “The Rizzler?” Sorry, but I haven’t recovered from “Honey Boo Boo” yet 😂
Inventing and then getting overly invested in a will they/wont they relationship between the female Target self check out voice and the male Target parking lot surveillance tower voice
My girlfriend is disappointed in me for being a directionless, ambitionless, unemployed loser, which is why I need to prove her wrong by being named a moderator of r/unemployed as soon as possible
If any mentally unwell women affected by the death of Shelly Duvall need to talk to someone, my DMs are open
If any mentally unwell women affected by the death of Jane Burlington need to talk to someone as fucked up looking as the French dick heads she dated in her movies, my DMs are open
Attending UC Santa Cruz on the Buckethead Scholarship for the Performing Arts
They have added a fishing mini game to the eternal torment that awaits us all
[Borat voice] I do naht have plans this weekend
Ugh…just discovered Baby Gronk is a nepo baby. This world is a DUMPSTER FIRE
Disgusting…the gay porn I’m watching doesn’t pass the Bechdel test
What if you went on one of those shows where they do extreme makeovers but when they do the big reveal and pull of your blindfold, you’re dressed exactly the same but you’re circumcised now
To this day I have no idea what what Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz sounds like. Never made it past the scary cackle at the beginning of the song (too spooky)
Gonna try and get the trans men I know to do toxic masculinity with me as a gesture of acceptance
I am a proud member of the sexual community
Need a shorty to hold it down wit me like this fr
Me living by the sword: haha hell yes brother. This shit rocks
Me dying by the sword: what the hell. I hate this
Going on r/checkers and posting that the game is imbalanced in favor of Red just to feel something
all the whores and politicians will look up and shout: 'please stop scaring the hoes' - and I'll whisper 'no.'
My appeal to man’s basic decency has been labeled “cringe” and “gay”
To the cretin who shouted “Run Forrest Run” at me today: I was rushing bc I was on my way to the pharmacy for antidiarrheals during the short window between bouts of chronic, painful diarrhea. Still think it’s funny now? Now that you know you were mocking someone suffering from painful diarrhea?
