@gwexposter.bsky.social you were a very good sport about me loudly dunking on the abrahamic religion post, i did not mean to be hostile! I was grumpy.
you're RIGHT: generally speaking when westerners use it, it's just some secular christian "Judeo-Christian" garbage with a slightly bigger hat
"no kings is absolute queen behaviour"
sitting with this for a bit
"NO AMERICA" is much shorter, and is the only path to any of those aspirations
on the plus side, not everything will change. a lot of stuff will stay the same, but my reactions to it will be more reasonable.
and God Willing And The Creek Don't Rise i can stop being triggered every single goddamned waking minute i have to suppress my reactions.
like, while i was crying about that, suddenly i was back in a pretty unique and specific psychological place to a formative set of traumas i totally suppressed the impact of.
so here i am with a big mess and a lot of work to do. and so many apologies to make, oh lord.
and so we reach the ouroboros part, where i made a bsky post about how, looking back, i really did it to myself.
but i had help, didn't i
bsky.app/profile/nima...
they failed you, over and over.
they never, not once, thought to listen for the now compounded terror of rejection and isolation in your screaming, long after you learned to keep your hands to yourself, and long before you learned to self-isolate to avoid conflict.
it wasn't your fault, kid.
yes, it was their job to understand that. yes, they failed you.
you weren't a bad kid because you hit someone, you hit someone because you're a small animal and you were overwhelmed. you needed comfort, not punishment.
i will leave this up as useful for other autistic, ADHD, auDHD etc folks who also struggle with abandonment issues
trust me: go apply "they didn't understand you were scared, like a kitten, not angry like a bear" to everything you learned about being isolated before 5 years old.
the remainder of this will stay offline. i want to share, but yeah
i'm not in the business of handing folks the iron boots to my Water Temple
with apologies to @xxjammerxx.bsky.social for stealing Zelda Valor
like just for a moment i was back there:
sobbing, in a room by myself because i have hurt someone i love, and my remaining trusted parent is beyond my reach and not responding
just, three different, terrible things in my life happening at the same time, but terrible in such specific ways that it unlocked the root of an assumption about my formative social experiences, as a very young person.
I am glad beyond measure to *be* back, but I'm definitely gonna be limiting my screen time while I recover!
I dunno man, I think precipitously canceling people's funding caused a lot of damage to other people's careers and lives and reputations and maybe they should live with the blowback. They come from a media ecosystem that makes public lists of insufficiently bigoted professors.
As time goes on, Jewish anti-Zionism reveals itself not only as solidarity with Palestinians but also as an anti-antisemitism strategy. We want out of this toxic dialectic, this terrible feedback loop between Israeli belligerence and the Jewish precarity it incessantly engenders
for shitposting related reasons I have traveled to the webzone of yournutz.com the original purveyor of truck nuts, and i would like to proudly report that even the guy who sells truck nuts with weird ass drawings all over his site does not use AI generated imagery in his craft
i have been VERY unwell for a very long time, and it is a relief to be able to re-engage with my critical faculties wrt colonialism
but perhaps not THIS MOMENT.
i need a sandwich, a water, and a nap, and also land back.
we are not actually all in this together, you're not going to suddenly turn around and LAND BACK if BIPoC carry water for you again
you literally never have before now
hard, internationally enforceable treaties before anyone helps white colonial Americans and their allies with jack shit imo
the specific and unique relationships to the legitimacy of colonial nations are erased under the term "Black and brown people," to suggest common purpose between patriotic american liberals, and occupied peoples american "authorities" do not have the right to lay hands on, as illegal occupiers
comparative religion jokes! always a crowd favourite
[massive comedy sigh until i look like a used capri sun pouch, but then i just stay that way for always]
"kind of a hassle tbh"
lose the smirk, buddhism, you're nobody's baby either
from childhood on, my least favourite experience has been forced isolation.
crying by myself, closed in a room, never comforted, only ever approached AFTER i had already stopped weeping from exhaustion,
>>⁹
20 MIN LATER:
UH. LITERAL REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH ACHIEVED IN REAL TIME.
so what the fuck are people from cultures outside of the shared ibrahamic pantheon supposed to call them, as a group
Trauma recovery isn't about "fixing" yourself. It's about caring for yourself in ways you never experienced & were never taught. "Fixing" is a simplistic, degrading frame for recovery.
You don't need to be fixed. You need to be loved-- first & most consistently from the inside.
ironic to consider how much better my abandonment issues would be if i hadn't withdrawn from everyone IRL for the past decade, out of a terrible and (I thought) reasonable fear of being hurt, ending up TOTALLY ISOLATED when they did not chase me down and tell me i was safe and loved actually
I'm so tired I'm SO TIRED I JUST WAHT IT TO STOP
I just need to be safe, I haven't been safe in weeks
I am so close to giving up again, no matter what I do everything goes badly a d km sot ns
de
losing my goddamn mind. a friend got me a hotel room to stay in last night, so I could be safe.
got here at 1:30am, called 24h desk number. no answer. no answer.
7:30am, receptionist comes in. I need my id and a cc auth, but friend is asleep. still no room.
"you can't cooperate with someone who won't cooperate with you" is a wonderful and truthful sentiment I would like allistic people to embrace, understand, and then put it the fuck away when you think autistic people are the ones "not cooperating" with your inarticulate gumplings
contrary to everything Andy Williams would have us believe, LAMBING is definitively THE most wonderful time of the year, everywhere lambs are present.
