Jacob Vail

Can we not have five minutes where that doddery old cunt isn’t plastered all over the news, the radio, apps etc

you have to be genuinely stupid as fuck to think american companies are going to respond to tariffs by building factories and moving manufacturing to the US. i don't know how else to say it. you have to be genuinely braindead

woke and DEI get removed, economy instantly crashes.

Remember Threads? What the hell was that about

you know who should be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame? Sisyphus

(starting a constructive dialogue) Listen dumbass,

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha
[wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

You're singing an entire song about Jimmy cracking corn and you expect us to believe you don't care? He's living rent-free in your head.

Democrats’ key strategy for stopping Trump’s agenda:

Yeah

bizarre number of germans on here with strong feelings about gaza. maybe sit this one out for another century or so, fellas. build us some cars.

Yeah, I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 chicks at the same time.

Pretty fucked up how I struggle to wake up by 7 every weekday but when Saturday gets here I’m wide ass awake at 530 in the goddamn morning

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

had to be in toon town for like twenty five minutes today and in that time they dropped three anvils and a piano on me. i fucking hate toon town

me: I’ll take dare

judge: no

Server: Here’s your imitation crab.

Me: I also ordered a Coke.

Imitation Crab: “𝙄 𝙖𝙡𝙨𝙤 𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙖 𝘾𝙤𝙠𝙚.”

[whispers to guy sitting next to me in church] are you gonna finish your body of christ

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off, this man needs help

now that Andrew Tate has popped up to defend Russell Brand I am contractually obliged to retweet this

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income
me: No problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

the reason so many millennials don’t take 9/11 stuff seriously is that we took it deadly, terrifyingly serious when it happened, and then grew up watching the people we trusted to guide us through this serious event instead use it to fuel the most deeply unserious 20 years in american history.

the "coming soon to netflix" card at the end of a movie trailer now just scans in my brain as "no one will care about this 48 hours after it comes out"

First of all, I didn’t “karate chop” your baby. We were sparring

Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to dwell on them until you lose the will to live