Job I've been at for three days: We need someone to leak test the military spec search and rescue suit.
Me seconds after they take me out of the tank: Was I not supposed to go to the bathroom in this? Because I did.
I love the concept of Russian dressing because I know some housewife in the 40s wondered how to get her husband to eat a salad without him slapping her so she put mayo, ketchup, and relish on the greens.
I just farted so percussive that I woke my wife up. I haven't been this proud of myself in years.
The secret to making meatballs of any kind isn't so much the ingredients imagining you are mom of five with enough meat to feed a family of three.
My wife has been pretty upset at me lately. I'm going to suggest she go hang out with her friends so she can hear about their husbands. That always improves things for me.
A friend once told me I could never move to the Midwest because I'm kind but not nice and they would burn me at the stake. I've never felt more read.
If you go to the dentist next week and the phrase palatal bruising gets said I want you to know that your dentist is calling you a whore.
No parenting book prepared me for children just randomly yelling sentences in their sleep. It's absolutely terrifying and I am upset that I was not warned.
Upon bringing the kids home this evening my wife announced, "Our daughter has pants covered in pee but it's not her pee."
I responded,after a pregnant pause, "I'm not mad. I just need to know how."
Reading old Steven King novels is fun because you can really tell how much cocaine he was on at any given part of the novel.
I do what I want.
Watching football for the commercials is the same as watching porn for the plot.
It tasted like desperation.
Welcome to my who gives a shit who gives a fuck bowl party. Your invite was lost by proxy of never being sent. Stay home and read a book.
I want you to know that you follow someone who just took two slices of pizza and put an egregious amount of ham between them to make a sandwich. This is a cry for help.
There's a line...
Everyone in the house except for me is puking and pooping themselves. For the first time I truly understand the plot of The Thing.
It took me years of therapy to realize that I wasn't the what will he do next friend. I was the will we get arrested friend.
Sometimes I think about how I dated someone and their family LOVED me. So much that they asked me to be in their Christmas photo that year. I tried to decline but they insisted. We broke up six months later. Badly. They had a wall of family photos through the years. I wonder if that pic is still up.
He yelled at us every Wednesday after reminding us that we all loved each other too much and now he can't say his phrase.
During stretching a football coach used to yell "HAPPY HUMP DAY, GENTLEMEN" every Wednesday which always resulted in some light air humping but one day it resulted in a guy humping another, then another joined... And another... Pretty soon it was a giant mock fuck pile. Coach never said that again.
Sometimes I forget to take my meds and when I realize I think maybe I'm better and don't need them.
Then I take the meds the next day and go OH MY GOD I DO HAVE ASTHMA!
Logs on
Sees collective screaming.
Logs off and goes back to hole. Hole is safe.
I'm rereading a Star wars novel I really enjoyed in middle school and so can't help but realizing how fucking lame I was on middle school.
I was reflecting on a time with an ex when I gasped and realized that I'm the bad guy in all my ex's stories.
Then I realized I'm the bad guy in a lot of stories.
It's just now occuring to me that I may be a bad person...
My wife will see me naked and ask, "Why is it so weird looking?" I've come to accept after all these years that she's asking about penises in general and not mine specifically.
How did my friend become my girlfriend and then my wife? Well she was hung over one day and I brought her food. Then I brought her food again after. Then she just kept coming back. What I'm saying is if you feed an outdoor cat eventually you have a cat.
People always ask me how much we purchased our house for and my response is always, "Uhhh... Money?"
Sometimes I say psychopathic things to my in laws and after a pause remind them that this is me after lots of therapy.
Me to my wife after she asked me to do a project: That'll be no problem at all. The hardest part will be actually doing it and everything associated. Other than that, no problem at all.
