Tommytoughstuff

BREAKING NEW: Trump considering pardoning the remains of Jeffery Dahmer, claiming the guy was just hungry

Hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

Listen kid you wanna make it in the mime biz you better stop speaking up, and start thinking inside the box.

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

Sorry, Adam someone did it better

I’m gettin swole this year, gonna stick my head into a beehive.

If someone tried to serve me this abomination, I’d throw myself off a roof.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I don’t just clap when the plane lands, I clap the entire flight.

Listen gang I don’t “need” the money but I’ll “take it”

I see what ya did there

On your first day of prison go up to the biggest guy and pay him a compliment. It doesn’t cost you anything to be kind.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

KID: I’m a brat!

WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Two guys standing in front of a barn with the tagline "We're REAL CHEESE people"

Has science gone too far?

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir, I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800

cookie monster: is that bad

doctor: sir it's deadly

Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

[into walkie talkie] Your Mom & I are getting a divorce

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs. [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]

ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!

DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?

ME: Have you been flossing?

DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Hummel figurine boy talking on the phone. He looks angry. He is standing next to a Hummel girl who is focused on her knitting.

“She says she doesn’t want to fuckin’ talk to you.”

DOUG YOU'RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!

[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

FRIEND: Really makes ya think.

ME: (leaning in way too close) Listen, buddy. Nothing makes me think.