Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
29.07.2025 12:30
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Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march
SCRIBE: i have an ides
SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good
SCRIBE: *idea
SCRIBE:
SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides
Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream
A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."
Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.
It took me a long time to start listening to Jimi Hendrix because I could only find recordings by The Jimi Hendrix Experience and who wants to listen to a cover band
My husband and I have a very sophisticated system for deciding who handles the βscary noiseβ downstairs. Itβs called βwho can fake being asleep the fastest.β
from the archives: because what the hell anymore:
youtu.be/8w6nP4wGbTs?...
The amount of times Iβve panicked looking for my phone while itβs literally in my hand is embarrassing.
The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati donβt want you to know.
the fifa peace prize used to mean something
If some people are born on third base, I was born in the Ticketmaster queue
"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"
Me on my first day as a mortician
I get why frozen yogurt shops shut down during the pandemic. But why did they stop shipping it to grocery stores? It's a ploy by Big Ice Cream to make me Buy Bigger Pants
Her: I heard you had a medical incident
Me: It was a fib
Her: I'm just telling you what I heard
If she were still alive, the acclaimed British actress I would most wish to clear my driveway is Joan Plowright.
A pile of mannequin arms.
Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer
Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of ππ§ ππ°πΆπ΄π¦ π’π―π₯ ππ’π―?
Publisher: It needs more characters.
Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.
The doctor told my husband he could stand to gain a few pounds, and I gained 10 pounds just from overhearing the conversation.
You cannot keep screaming βwhy arenβt Democrats impeaching him?β when Republicans control the House.
Impeachment starts in the House. The majority party decides what gets brought to a vote. Right now, thatβs Republicans.
Be mad at the Republicans who are too scared to do their jobs.
The second you touch a check-in kiosk at a doctorβs office, your nose will start to itch. Itβs science.
attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic
My husband hates when restaurants sing Happy Birthday, so I celebrate his birthday year-round.
Top five things Iβd rather do than watch the State of the Union tonight:
1. Getting a root canal
2. Colonoscopy prep
3. Waiting at the DMV without an appointment
4. Passing a kidney stone
5. Food poisoning
more like state of The Onion amiright
has anyone said this?
Wife: *puts summer sausage in shopping cart*
Me: But you've barely touched my winter sausage!
SOTU? more like STFU
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Coworkers who get up, walk away, and leave their chair in the middle of the office- who hurt you? Because it's about to be me
empty wheelchair covered in parakeets
omg they even ate the bones
