Danny

This guy is not just trying to be a dictator

He’s trying to be the Pele of dictators

And FIFA is paying close attention

What I lack in class, I make up for in wearing light up sneakers to formal events

science communication in the US is like "a meteor the size of 4.7 million pieces of toast is expected to pass between the earth and the moon's orbit, which is 37 billion pint glasses away"

Hey, if it makes you happy...

I have a Sheryl Crow song stuck in my head and I wasn’t even at the grocery store.

When I hovered nearby to check the WiFi password, she looked like she was gonna call the cops

Six.
Years.

Six years since we learned Tom Hanks had Covid and the NBA season was cancelled. Seems like both yesterday and a lifetime ago.

How different are you now from who you were March 11, 2020?

The I'ds of March

I'd better set the alarm clock earlier.
I'd better go to the gym more.
I'd better get taxes done.
I'd like some pizza.

A normal person who'd sat down after ordering, then popped back up to go wait for their order, would have answered, "just waiting" when the barista asked, "Are you just waiting for your order or did you want to tell me something?" But of course, I said, "Beware the Ides of March" :(

weatherman: and now we go to the tornado watch

guy wearing a Rolex: what

I’m on day 4 of a 40 day meditation practice.
Namaste bitches

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting my socks on while standing up] I do my own stunts too.

Good ole insomnia

Let’s stay up all night reminiscing about who knows what

my loose change and the coffee machine

I’m addicted to quoting 80s song lyrics. Might as well face it.

A Black Mirror episode where people driving home from the grocery store get run off the road by the very carts they were too damn lazy to return.

i once went to Boston Market™️ & they were out of chicken & they were like what’s your problem is that hahd for you to understand get back in your cah & gtfo of here & i was like ok just give me a cuppa cawfee & they were like what kinda stupid accent is that & i was like its a new yawk accent &

I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.

MAMMA MIA THAT'S A SPICY BALLGAME

Raise your hand if you don't have me muted lol

four cheese, really?
like fourmaggio wasn’t right there

Ronnie Eldridge, a Fixture in N.Y. Politics, Dies at 95

A pro’s pro. A wonderful person to know and to cover, both of which I did. RIP Ronnie www.nytimes.com/2026/03/05/o...

That iconic photograph on the cover of London Calling, only it’s me trying to smash open a box of Wheat Thins

If you are ever impressed with my productivity, please understand that everything I accomplished I did because I was furiously avoiding doing some other task that I absolutely still have not done.

I’m afraid the bright side is actually the business end of a welding torch.

Wife is out of town for the night so I told the kids that if they need to wake me, they'll have to hit me in the face with a frying pan.

A broom leans against a wall in a doorway.

There’s nothing like coming home from a long, hard day at work, and finding your mother-in-law’s vehicle parked outside.

“So many thoughts, you should post one” is what it says at the bottom of drafts 😡

stfu, drafts 😡

I just want to be rich enough to donate a bench to a zoo