Jenny Bell

I worked at Argos while at sixth form, and a customer once brought in a slice of bread as evidence his toaster wasn't working.

A message to everyone apparently trying cycling for the first time due to the tube strike: it's great you've discovered this form of transport. But do bear in mind that the lights also apply to you because it would hurt if you hit someone walking to work.

a man with curly hair and a beard says " the bar is super low " ALT: a man with curly hair and a beard says " the bar is super low "

That was my first thought as well 😂

a cartoon of a horse sitting in front of a sign that says z ALT: a cartoon of a horse sitting in front of a sign that says z

Beyonce: look at that horse
Horse:

This is quite the thread

My friend was driving down the main street of her town the other day, one cyclist stopped in the middle of the road to look at his phone. She slammed the brakes on and got shunted by a Land Rover. Cyclist went off blissfully unaware people were now exchanging insurance details behind him.

When Taylor Swift sings the word we in We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together she sounds like she's playing on the swings

I talked to someone today (in their mid 30s) who had never heard Ghost Town by The Specials and, honestly, they might as well have told me they'd never eaten toast or worn socks.

This is the best description of Trump I have ever seen.

A new set of knives, a new set of knives, a new set of knives, a new set of knives, ++kill all humans++ a new set of knives, a new set of knives, ++kill all humans++ a new set of knives

No Netflix I don't want to watch Happy Gilmore 2 please stop pushing it at me

Chloe Kelly’s goal celebration face is the exact look my sister used to give me behind our mum’s back when I was being told off

If you ever think your day sucks just remember somewhere somebody is deciding how to get sesame seeds from the plant and you are not that person

After a long day that's been noisy for good reasons - pride, yessir - and bad - FFS family - there isn't much better than downing a couple of Peronis and crawling up to bed, just starfished bare ass naked and silent. Phone off

I read somewhere that the biggest fear a writer has is a blank page. I'm surprised that with their supposed fertile imaginations they couldn't come up with something more scary than a bit of paper. What about being attacked by a polar bear or perhaps galling down a really deep well full of giant, man-eating frogs? I'm no Jeffrey Archer but even I could come up with that one. Georg Rucksack, Poole

Subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz346bs

The cover of The National, a Scottish newspaper, with the headline "Convicted US Felon To Arrive In Scotland" in reference to President Trump's impending visit

A picture of Donald Trump looking even more orange and stupid than usual while pointing towards a camera

'Add them to the "To sue" list'

Oh my god
This looks amazing

Godspeed

Russell Brand once squeezed my arse while I was having my photo taken with him and my friends after one of his shows. I did not enjoy that

Will Self once held a door open for me. I'd have forgotten about it completely except I noticed he was wearing a cravat and I giggled

#priorities

Yesterday I was 39 and now I'm 40. Not saying that me being born the day of Live Aid affected its success, but it probably did

See a mental health specialist immediately, this could well be a sign of clinical depression

I like to imagine the owners going "well, we'll run a drug smuggling gang from the cellar and to cover up anything looking shifty we'll make the rest of the house look really classy" 👀

Check out this 3 bedroom terraced house for sale on Rightmove 3 bedroom terraced house for sale in Pym Road, Rotherham, S64 9BJ, S64 for £90,000. Marketed by 2Roost, Sheffield

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/1... "there is also a cellar"

I wonder if he describes himself as a feared opponent when he's at the salon getting his eyebrows waxed and spray on tan