Moby Mick

I confused my Roth IRA and my 401(k) and now I’m on the OFAC sanctioned persons list.

It has been very funny to find out how all of my friends and colleagues think they’re supposed to pronounce “Hormuz”

Alt National Parks Service is Qanon for people who still own a pussy hat

I told my mom I bought a snifter set and she thought I was doing cocaine.

Admittedly dating myself with this one

Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999.

*drinks too much apple juice and shits pants*

I am in an on-again, off-again relationship with IPAs

Lol, too racist for South Africa, too cowardly for California.

if your puppy poops in your Honda, don't be too harsh. they probably just thought they were doing their Civic Doody

Unnerving if literal: hot pocket

There is only one way I will ever support Graham Platner and it involves a hot clothes iron.

The actual academic wealth gap is going to be who can genuinely read critically. Universities and Colleges that manage to hold themselves to high standards over the next few years are going to absolutely blitz the schools that accept slop work in terms of quality of education.

Save Money, Live Better: child sacrifice

Personal Finance tip: if you make friends with enough crows, you’ll never have to pay for parking again.

Imagine Fox Mulder getting ripped in half after trying to suplex a werewolf

The Idea Guys are really going crazy today

If the “frisson of transgression” is really all they were interested in, they could have become furries

Terrifying if literal: a headbutt

The war in Iran will not end until the regime’s complete and total capitulation, or we get six months worth of Reels for the Pentagon’s social media accounts. Whichever comes first.

Early British rock starts were imitating American blues singers and it caught on.

The shoes are two sizes too big. They started a war while wearing clown shoes.

Every generation of American politicians learns about the blowback theory of international politics at the expense of the Middle East.

Followed, hell yeah

Bitch, I’m drunk rn I know it

Did they not consider that Iran had a “disable global economy” button?

Spent three fucking hours making a plan to get ten guys from all over the East Coast to Maine for a bachelor party and this toaster-fucker is telling me the name of the plan is bad.

Jog in the morning for the sole purpose of feeling superior to your colleagues

You’re telling me whiskey is fucking WOOD FLAVORED?

DEATH ROW HACK: For your last meal, request Olive Garden breadsticks

Dream blunt rotation: Peter from Family Guy, Cab Calloway, Jane Austen