MrsFitz

Tits out for International Women’s Day, m’ladies.

Nintendo is suing the US government over Tariffs. They’re requesting 100 gold coins and a free life.

The clocks that I didn’t manually change now have their own time zones.

One time when I won a writing contest my daughter said, “Look at you Anne of Green Gables” and it remains my favorite compliment ever.

I’ve already set my clocks ahead. Don’t want to miss our sea shanty rehearsal early in the mornin'

Plants frozen, dead,
beneath the soil, waiting
Spring will come again

i wanna see the CEO of Captain Crunch Berries eat a spoonful of Captain Crunch Berries without wincing

gonna spring clean the junk drawer of my mind

The only thing worse than ‘spring ahead time change monday’ is ‘8 am jury duty on spring ahead time change monday’

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

I think a good interview question for the next president is whether they intend to follow the constitution

*wife hands me divorce papers*

“I want a regime change”

Getting a drunk text is the sincerest form of flattery.

Every time I take a sip of Bushmills Whiskey a small part of me is transported back to my first sip as a wee lad stealing sips from older members of that side of the family and it's such a lovingly dangerous memory it feels like home

Sorry I was gone so long, but I stepped on a raw lasagna noodle fragment that fell out of my nighty and I died.

Sorry if you have a heart attack near me because I only know CCR and Proud Mary’s gonna be the last thing you hear

I spent the past hour looking for my favorite pen just to be able to write a to do list for today

I always spit before I toss slops over the gunwale

unclench my jaw so all of my teeth can fall out no thank you

something wicked pissah this way comes

Putting my cold foot on my own leg to see how I like it

if dogs ran things we’d have
smell-o-vision by now

Sorry I wrote YOLO! on your death certificate.

I don't judge you for your skin color, your religion, or who you let touch your bathing suit places.
But I will judge your dirty microwave.

you can’t even get drunk on a Friday night and wake up late on a Saturday without finding out the US bombed Iran while you were sleeping.

It’s an “off to have wine with the ladies” Saturday afternoon.

The homies and I will be living paycheck to paycheck later if you want to pull up