If you turn me off and then immediately turn me back on I’ll reset to factory settings and also be sexually confused
11.03.2026 23:12
👍 1
🔁 0
💬 0
📌 0
Mom said to dress my wound so I covered it in ranch now it’s bleeding even more and I’m craving chicken wings.
11.03.2026 15:02
👍 51
🔁 18
💬 4
📌 0
The year is 2050. Sound now costs extra when you rent a movie
11.03.2026 22:17
👍 11
🔁 2
💬 1
📌 0
The existence of a portal heavily implies the existence of a starboardal
11.03.2026 22:39
👍 2
🔁 1
💬 0
📌 0
Before you follow me, just know that I’ve been described as “if brushing your teeth after drinking orange juice was a person”
11.03.2026 22:37
👍 14
🔁 6
💬 0
📌 0
raising my glass of juice to all who have made it through to whatever part of the day they're at without eye gouging themselves or anyone else
11.03.2026 20:57
👍 40
🔁 14
💬 0
📌 0
the recipe said "juice"
it didn't say whose
nobody comes to my dinner parties anymore
11.03.2026 19:11
👍 6
🔁 2
💬 0
📌 0
Juice Newton is my favorite singer-songwriter who’s also part of a complete breakfast.
10.05.2025 11:33
👍 174
🔁 50
💬 4
📌 2
If i had a portal gun i'd totally use it to give myself a blowjob
11.03.2026 19:10
👍 22
🔁 5
💬 1
📌 2
“Wrong portal.”
- heard during video gaming or attempted anal
11.03.2026 14:46
👍 32
🔁 7
💬 1
📌 0
if you see me quoting Wham! songs, no you didn’t. that was so last christmas
11.03.2026 20:19
👍 48
🔁 16
💬 0
📌 3
on some level, people from the victorian era just had to know how fucking silly they all were.
11.03.2026 21:00
👍 17
🔁 6
💬 1
📌 0
someone please unplug bluesky and plug it back in again
11.03.2026 21:05
👍 31
🔁 13
💬 1
📌 0
it's never too late for a first corn dog
11.03.2026 22:03
👍 20
🔁 7
💬 1
📌 0
first date idea: we get stuck in a tree while rescuing a kitten (and you are a hot firefighter)
11.03.2026 22:10
👍 34
🔁 14
💬 2
📌 0
*counting all my cookies like scrooge mcduck stacking gold coins*
11.03.2026 22:11
👍 42
🔁 20
💬 3
📌 0
[foreigner] i want to know what love iiiiis
[me] a falsehood a lie and it will hurt you
[foreigner] i want you to show meeee
[me] see that sack of mouldy potatoes over there kinda like that
11.03.2026 16:33
👍 40
🔁 19
💬 3
📌 0
Would you recognize your own butthole in a line of random buttholes?
10.03.2026 22:58
👍 34
🔁 11
💬 5
📌 1
Vent my spleen? No thank you Hannibal, you just keep on walking.
10.03.2026 19:57
👍 33
🔁 17
💬 0
📌 0
If only it was as socially acceptable to vent your spleen as it was to vent your rectum
10.03.2026 19:28
👍 8
🔁 5
💬 0
📌 0
If you’re gonna vent your spleen, do that shit in private. No one needs to see that.
06.02.2024 23:48
👍 37
🔁 19
💬 3
📌 0
anyone who's still here when the party's over will have chores allocated to them
10.03.2026 20:00
👍 112
🔁 49
💬 9
📌 1
at the end of every party, everyone has two things:
- a reason to apologise for something
- a coat they've never seen before
10.03.2026 19:34
👍 22
🔁 8
💬 1
📌 0
Me: Party’s over. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
Mom: I own this house. You just live in the basement. Now put away your action figures- I mean, party guests.
10.03.2026 19:27
👍 84
🔁 21
💬 0
📌 1
AI *sucks at everything*
Breathless press articles: IS THIS OUR NEW GOD
10.03.2026 18:34
👍 12
🔁 4
💬 0
📌 0
Who called it a handy and not jizz hands
Whatever I fuckin hate it here
10.03.2026 17:47
👍 50
🔁 13
💬 1
📌 0
not only do i not want an edit button, i'd support removing the delete option and having all our typing show up live like icq
10.03.2026 18:17
👍 40
🔁 17
💬 2
📌 0
If I die don't let my sister take my Kohls Cash, you hear me??
10.03.2026 16:26
👍 19
🔁 8
💬 1
📌 0
[On a date in a nice restaurant] ... and that was probably the worst case of diarrhea I've ever had
Anyway the brown gravy they put on the mashed potatoes here is incredible, and the chocolate mousse is just
10.03.2026 17:05
👍 12
🔁 2
💬 1
📌 0
why did we even domesticate peeves
10.03.2026 15:00
👍 350
🔁 119
💬 17
📌 4
