Jason, ex Inferis

🤫🤫

Desperately trying to use my turtleneck to cover up my double chin, "does this shirt make me look like a spatula?"

Do these pants make me look like I am undulating with ants?

Oh, hey, look at Jesus in his Crocs, hanging above the altar for all to bask in his comfortable glory.

IT'S FINE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, I DON'T WANT IT. ONE LESS HOUR TO BE SAD ANYWAY.

Hold on, I need time to go back home and cover myself in egg yolk before I can go out again.

I am just an International Woman, drinking International Delight straight from the bottle.

Five secretions to get to know me by:

Unread all the words that ever were until we are all once again just primordial muck.

CEO ISN'T A REAL JOB.

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

It’s Thursday, or as I like to call it, one day closer to the end.

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

You can do anything you set your mind to, you stupid motherfucker.

Just commissioned a portrait of myself that will be called, “Festering Garbage in Repose.”

“Good news!” he happily declared, clearly in the middle of a psychotic break.

Why are there so many realistic cake pranks? When did we start weaponizing cake

Is it intrusive thoughts or the indomitable human spirit?

Everyone is bricking their phone and quitting drinking while I have wine and scroll like hell 😎

Putting “I’m not a real doctor, but I am a real worm” on my LinkedIn

I was looking for a card that said “I would red dye 40 for you,” but Hallmark isn’t on my level yet.

Hopemaxxing (hoping you’ll never see a reference to looksmaxxing again)

Why do bad podcast ads happen to good people?

On my que sera, sera shit

Please respect my privacy at this time as a balloon slowly deflates in my apartment and I increasingly project human emotions on it.

I’m not saving anything to drafts, okay. I’m all in or I’m all out, and I’m mostly all out 😌

If you can’t love me at my poster’s madness, you don’t deserve me at my poster’s sanity

I told my friends a restaurant I’ve been to twice had a second floor and later found out it actually has a lower level. So I’m not “make up a floor” crazy, but I am “forget if it’s up or down” crazy.

Hoping for the best-core

It's international women's day so if I've ever made you laugh you owe me an international woman