mobby boynihan

you’re just a muffin man I used to know

you’re gonna give them boney dismorphia

asking the staff at spirit halloween why they don’t carry plus sized skeletons

hey iphone thanks for turning on voice commands and calling an old booty call every time your screen gets wet from the rain, I was hoping to look insane to somebody I used to bone today

me I’m looking for a different vibe, maybe an unemployed mother of two who wears cookie monster pyjamas outside of her home. thank the lord for facebook dating

bumble is great if you like skinny women with good jobs who will enrich your life, not for me though

guy who pronounces “baked” like “naked”

time is a fat circle

running down the street ringing a handbell yelling BEN SHAPIRO GOT NEW EYEBROWS!! BEN SHAPIRO GOT NEW EYEBROWS!!!

Next year it’s mine

what do you mean our first aid kit is three bandaids and pack of newports

there goes keelan keeganson, the first man to shoplift from the internet

I have replaced all my situations with circumstances

sir you are asking a dangerous question

new york fries cashier just asked me “do you want any drinks or hot dogs with that?”

there are no more inciting incidents. all incidents have been incited since at least 1998

riding in a golfcart fatly with boys

fuck I think I pulled my delroy lindo

Trying to pay my rent. Sign into banking app. It says there’s an update coming and to use my browser instead. Open browser. Sign into banking website. It opens the app.

I think my brain has done everything it could not to lol

maybe I’ll feel better if I pick a fight with a guy in a motorcycle helmet

Man I honestly don’t know! It sure sounded like him back then but it could have easily been a soundalike

I also had a tape that was basically the pilot episode of ALF

why did I have the book on tape of this when I was a kid?

Another Twin Peaks title card that says A Genderless Burger Experience

today I learned that the dishware set my nana owned had 14,000 ppm of lead lmao

there’s a sucker born every minute and they’re all raising an army to defeat me

fucked up in the cribb drinking mr pibb

trying to explain to my girlfriend why taco bell is good and all that’s coming out is “many taco, small moneys”

Twin Peaks title card that says Nirvanna The Band The Show