dirtbag

furredsona reference sheets

i love “fucked up” bands like hollywood undead and insane clown posse and dot dot curve so much. they’re lyrics r so funny and i can’t help but love the catchy beats.

im scared to talk to my psychologist abt it too... ik it would do me good to get it off my chest to another person face to face but im terrified of judgement or being turned away again... i was just turned away from my last therapist cause i finally told her something i was scared to tell her...

put it onto paper...
that shit was the only thing that allowed me to open the locked doors of trauma in my mind... i read the therapy groups for it and i relate to so many of the stories in there... but they all have the money to obtain it legally... something i don't have...

and i constantly get scared trying to find someone to provide this for me will make ppl immediately assume im addicted and they wont listen to the fact i microdose every other week... i like dont know what to fucking do cause all my emotions and feelings just keep getting boxed up b4 i can even-

them up nd ignoring them.
it sux cause my friends r either recovering addix or have never done and want nothing to do with drugs or talkig about them... something that helped me even if it was in a "minor" way to some is now gone and it fucking sux. it fucking sux.

it sux i have nowehre to go to talk about my drug issue or get more...
im not addicted and what i want is technically legal but it's $300-$500 for 1 dosage...
i used to microdose like once a month to eow to work on mental health artwork and getting my feelings out with my art instead of locking-

i cant do anything or work on anything until i feel “alone”. like i cant clean until my partner falls asleep. wtf IS THAT SHIT??!

gonna actually make music and put the time and effort into it. will make a bandcamp and soundcloud with the same username to post it all too. it'll be ass but hey i made it and im proud of it.

been a hot minute lmao.

hearing him say “also schizophrenia” was not surprising, but not something i wanted to hear either.

“why can’t i feel it? why does this not phase me?”

flesh for flesh.

“like a pretty girl in a wheelchair that still claims she fell downstairs.
but if he touches you again, with those grubby little hands i’ll have to break them.

like some lovely legs in braces with toothy smiley faces.
but if he gets chopped up to bits, must have been an accident.”

gouache.

“it’s almost like it’s mocking me…”

gouache.

oil on watercolor paper.

silent suffering.

oil on watercolor paper.

hate me.
do it and do it again.
waste me.
rape me, my friend.

i’m not the only one.
i’m not the only one.
i’m not the only one.
i’m not the only one.

rape me.
rape me, my friend.
rape me.
rape me, again.

sup fuck faces i’m here now.