Gia

Dentist: have you been flossing?

Me: why do we play this game?

Land of 10,000 Relapses

I’m really sad about the news about Rob Reiner and his wife. It’s just heartbreaking. 💔

if, by the Christmas spirit, you mean waking up in tears then, yeah, got it right here

(Happy Gilmore voice) somebody’s closer

At a job it takes me 2 or 3 years to become curious about what the company actually does

All i'm saying is if 'practice makes perfect' is a thing, surely we'd all be better at the sleeping thing, as adults

My husband offered me a “high-protein cheese” made from Greek yogurt instead of real cheese. I’m calling the police.

I’m not doing a Fran Drescher impression. It’s allergy season

Movie theater

Me: pass the popcorn

Monster under my seat:
ya know…there's nothing wrong with going places alone

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

Do vampires go bobbing for Adam’s apples?

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

I was today’s years old when I found out ceiling fans have a winter mode and a summer mode

Halloween may be over but there's still a skeleton inside of you.

Kinda disappointed over here about the shrooms. It’s been almost two hours. Not tripping at all.

ME: home is where the heart is

DETECTIVE: yes we found that where is the rest of the body

Nobody:

Me: I wonder how that pen pal from France I paid $1 for in first grade and exchanged two letters with before never hearing from her again is.

This is the dumbest apocalypse.

I’ve driven 70 miles, that’s 490 in dog miles.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Just kidding. Go fuck yourself.

i wear the ponchos in this family

*extreme Helen Lovejoy voice

Won’t someone please think of the billionaires???!!!

on pornhub it’s called kentucky freud chicken

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturday night. Do not post on Saturd

My parrot watched me eat an entire chocolate cake at 2AM and flew away in disgust.

I’ll be your human sacrifice.

Big shout-out to my neighborhood for being too dangerous for Christmas caroling.