Demanding someone quit fantasizing about suicide without supporting them in developing a better quality of life isn't going to work. Chances are they're suicidal at least partly because of all the demands they've endured already-- without realistic support.
I believe you can get through today, I believe you can get through tonight, & I believe you can find a way to advance your trauma recovery .01% in this 24 hours.
Breathe; blink; focus.
So your recovery day isn't perfect, your recovery skills aren't perfect, & your recovery attitude's not perfect. Know who else's trauma recovery is imperfect? Every goddamn survivor on the face of the planet. Self included.
Easy does it. Think "good enough" & get through today.
Don't let the fact that your journal was weaponized against you once upon a time keep you from using journaling as a tool in your trauma recovery now. "They" shouldn't get to decide what tools you do & don't have access to (&, not for nothing, journaling is a core recovery tool).
We don't just mourn people when they die. Often we're actually mourning whole eras of our life.
Even when somebody we feel negatively about dies, we might still have a strong, sad reaction-- because it's not about the person. It's about much broader, more abstract loss.
Staying the f*ck away from feelings & memories associated w/ our trauma does nothing but guarantee they will continue to live in our body, nervous system, & endocrine system exactly as they do right now.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
You cannot & did not "make" or "let" them abuse or neglect you.
That's true whether you were a child or an adult.
Breathe for me.
You are realistic, you are goal directed, & you're focused only on the next micro choice in front of you today.
You focus on self talk, mental focus, & physiology, because that's what sustainable trauma recovery is actually about.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
Hey, you. Trauma survivor (even if no one in your world knows it) who is up tonight wondering if it's possible, worth the effort, or realistic to keep on going & try to repair this sh*t-- or if anyone gives a f*ck?
It is, and I do.
Accepting that we're never going to know exactly why they did what they did, exactly what they were thinking, exactly why they didn't love us, exactly what the f*ck their deal is-- that's one of the hardest parts of realistic trauma recovery. Don't let anyone tell you different.
You are under no obligation to "embrace struggle" w/ "gratitude."
If simplistic bootstrappy bullsh*t worked for trauma recovery, I'd be the first to embrace it. But in most survivors it does nothing but scrape up shame & cringe.
If "willpower" was the key to trauma recovery, every survivor would be skipping down Healed Lane whistling that "Happy" song. Trauma survivors do NOT lack "willpower." They're the most willful people you're ever going to meet.
Turns out, though, recovery isn't that simple.
Your abuser is not as all-powerful as they are in your memory, or as that young "part" of you feels like they are or were.
It make sense we'd believe they were that powerful. They were scary & we were small. But they're not.
Easy does it. Reassure your inner child.
Your mileage may vary, but I find "to do" lists a helpful trauma recovery tool-- provided they're realistic, don't get too long, don't get too complex, & especially provided we're absolutely committed to not shaming or punishing ourselves when not every item gets checked off.
You're not "choosing" to "focus on the negative." You focus is getting HIJACKED-- you've just been conditioned to blame & shame yourself for things you experience & feel.
Easy does it. You're working on taking back your cognitive steering wheel, little bit by little bit.
Fighting & fleeing get a bad rap. Because they're hallmarks of reflexive trauma repossess, they tend to get pathologized-- but the truth is, fighting &/or fleeing are perfectly appropriate & adaptive responses to certain situations.
Sometimes you gotta scrap-- or bolt.
Trauma survivors who are frustrated w/ "sleep hygiene" & "mindfulness" wielded as solutions to their struggles w/ exhaustion, dissociation, & anxiety aren't being "difficult." There are valid reasons CPTSD makes these tools complicated or less effective for survivors.
Ease up.
When your family system or church community is heavily invested in denying what happened, you frequently end up carrying all the hurt, all the grief, & all the rage they are refusing to admit exists-- or has a right to exist.
It's a main reason survivors get exhausted & numb.
Whether anyone understands or acknowledges how hard it's been to be you, does not change how hard it's been to be you.
It sucks to have your pain invalidated by others. But their limitations don't make your struggle, or your recovery, less real, hard, or important.
If you're reading this & feeling the expectation, the pressure, of having to present a certain image to the world, but also aware of feeling or being something very different on the inside-- know that you're not alone, you're not a "liar," & your inner self is real & worthy.
You wouldn't tell a child or a friend you loved that if they can't be the absolute BEST at something, then they're a sh*tty "failure." Maybe don't do that to your "parts" or your inner child, either.
Internal safety begins w/ paying attention to how we're talking to ourselves.
You should not have been put in the position of your identity being wrapped up in "fixing" or "saving" others, especially from their own feelings & choices-- & it's not your fault that you feel sh*tty now when you can't "fix" or "save" someone else. That's an impossible ask.
Choosing to muzzle our authenticity in a relationship, personal or professional, might avoid some conflict, sometimes-- but it'll necessarily limit how intimate that relationship can get or how effective we can be in that relationship.
Over time the relationship will wither.
You're feeling what you're feeling. It's okay. It doesn't make you "bad," or "weak," or "gross," or "ungrateful."
This feeling is hard enough, we don't need to spike how hard it is by denying & disowning it.
If you're reading this, you know someone who struggles with CPTSD or DID, whether you know it or not.
If you're reading this, the person in your life working their trauma recovery is facing demons & leveraging courage of a sort most humans can never imagine.
One of the most common things CPTSD survivors share is their utter shock & skepticism that what they endured actually qualifies as "trauma"-- even if they'd easily use that label to describe someone ELSE going through the exact same thing.
That "compartmentalization" thing that got so many trauma survivors through so much sh*t gets harder as we recover-- & that's actually good news. Mind you, it won't FEEL like "good news"-- but it means we're nudging toward integration, which is what true healing is all about.
Some people will make you feel stupid for "still" reacting to something that happened "so long ago"-- as if the damage CPTSD does only stems from what happened back then, & not the years of trying to cope & continue functioning SINCE then w/ inadequate support & care.
Disordred eating (& there are LOTS of survivors who struggle w/ eating who don't meet criteria for an "eating disorder") will try to convince you whatever you're struggling w/ will be "helped" by restricting, binging, or purging-- as if that's NOT just another way to control you?
Don't "fake it till you make it." Practice it until you get better at it. Your nervous system is malleable, changeable-- now, today, even after all you've been through. It WILL respond to consistent shifts in your self talk, mental focus, & breathing.
It will. You will.
