Sorry I'm not more open-minded about LLMs, it's just some fucking maniacs shoveled out a bunch of useless bloatware featuring that technology, did not give me any chance to opt out, reorganized the entire economy around it, zeroed out gains made by green energy, and made it impossible to buy RAM
i'll try and make that my last post.
thank you for putting up with the charade that has been 2026 thus far, on all platforms.
i'm sorry i can't be better, but i'll do at least one good deed and try to stay quiet from here on out
i am very close to deactivating my accounts on platforms, to sort of try to force myself offline entirely. if the internet is going to become a more restricted place, i need to stop depending on it. if my accounts vanish, that'd be the reason, not death. but.
i haven't had a single break in 6 years and i'm losing it. my life has exclusively been distracting myself with things online and absolutely nothing else. it's been dragging people into deadend friendships i can't uphold. that's it. and both those doors are closing.
i managed to sleep most of today but everything hurts so fucking bad the moment i have to wake up. and this is all my life has been. worsening pain, worsening health, more closed doors i can never open again. more nothing. no one is meant to live like this. so why do i keep myself alive
i don't want to die, but i need to. this life has been meaningless for years and i'm so exhausted trying to act like something will get better when it only gets worse. my health gets worse, i end up more alone, more incapable. i already don't exist. what the fuck am i even doing.
which, though i'm afraid of it and usually hope it doesn't happen early, lately i've been hoping it comes sooner than later. i'm still in so much physical pain, i still can barely move, i want an end. ideally before this november when i likely lose my health insurance because then i'll be fucked
i'm trying to find the bright side. none of this internet bill stuff is going to pan out no matter how many calls people make (have calls fixed Anything yet?) and so maybe it's for the best i learn to live offline preemptively, even if that means just being alone in one room until the day i die
i think years of chronic stress has finally broken something in me that i will never be able to repair. i don't think i can go back. i don't think i'll ever be able to speak to anyone at-length again. didn't deactivate discord, but i think i should.
or. had been able to have friends, i have been driving that into the mud and i'm not sure that that statement will hold true much longer
yeah. i know i will never get the chance to find that, i have too many things keeping me from leaving where i am. so my only option is to deal w/the people who resent me
though it's a good thing, i think, that no one else has to be subjected to me directly, so that i can at least still Have friends
the only reason my online friends haven't started to resent me, get exhausted by me, or started wanting nothing to do with me is because they don't have to known me irl
there have been Some that have gotten exhausted by me, and they were right
but what a daunting realization
i am at my most palatable where my symptoms, both mental and physical, are as minimally on display as is humanly possible. if the safe barrier of the screen wasn't there, i would be too much. i would be a burden. and that's what happens irl, every time
i have friends online who do say they love me, but i realize that it Being online is Why.
there's safety behind the screen. people can safety disconnect.
i am certain if anyone from online met me irl they'd end up resenting me.
i am not someone who can be loved, not long term. not directly.
he doesn't reach out. to a degree he can't, because of a controlling partner. that was really my only shot at having someone loving in my life, and it was so temporary.
i have genuinely never known love in my life offline. i have never known support. the only instance where i kind of did was the familial love from my brother. but that was transient--we were able to connect as adults for a couple years, and then he had to move and i will never see him again
everyone i have ever known irl has either resented me, just barely tolerated me, or has been transient, only around for a couple years at best, with no interest in maintaining long-term contact and never heard from again as soon as they're gone
i realize that the only reason i'm able to have any friends at all is because they're all online
and there is no reasonable escape that involves me alive
i don't know what to do. no one does. and i just have to deal with it alone. my family doesn't care. the only friend i have around me doesn't care. doctors don't care. they make it very, very clear that i'm a burden or a nuisance and nothing more. i don't have anyone, and i feel that loneliness
and it's cruel because i don't want to die, i'm afraid to because i was forced to be alive to begin with, but everything is designing itself to make that the only option i can have at any reprieve
this is hell and there is nothing here for me but there is no out beyond choosing more nothing
i don't think i was meant to exist and it's bordering into cruel that i do
i don't think 30+ years of suffering where every year is worse than the last and absolutely nothing gets better is the way someone is supposed to have to exist
i don't think it should feel like death will be my only break
but tomorrow i can get relief in one way or another and i just need to get to tomorrow
i don't want to sleep More but sleep would mean i could escape consciously existing for a bit. alcohol would let me stay awake, and should depress the nervous system, but that's harder to really "dose" and i'm not sure how much is needed
lying down so much is making other parts of me hurt, like my neck and shoulders, but at least painkillers do seem to help with that pain
nerve pain is another beast though and is unresponsive to meds and i wish there was Anything for it
i was able to get PT set up but it'll be a bit before my appointments actually start up
moving around is starting to give me the sensation of an anxiety attack. my heart races, i sweat, and i'm immediately breathless or outright hyperventilating and just desperate to lie down again immediately
i have never been in this much pain in my life and i don't know what to do about it
in this moment i want to die but if i push to tomorrow i can hopefully just drug myself into oblivion instead with sleep meds or alcohol
eating three times a day means getting up three times a day (likely a few more times, if i have to sit between cooking but still). needing to take meds an hour prior or hours after means getting up six times a day. so i may just opt out. or just medicate once and eat once and call it a day.
i have to take meds 3 times a day an hour before eating or 2-4 hours after eating and this is also making it seem like it is easier to opt out of eating, if it means i don't have to get up in those extra trips.
