Snooby

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

My inner monologue recently is mostly just the sound of snapping twigs

I've always been a little more advanced than other people, by the time everyone else in grade 11 was going out getting their drivers license, I was already old enough to start going to bars

Come on.

I'm finally gonna have my own place again in a couple months and the first thing the FIRST thing I'm gonna do once I'm moved in is I'm gonna get mildly crossfaded and sit on MY couch in MY living room and watch MANDY I can't WAIT MAN I CANT WAIT

*Takes your birthday to replace mine* That's better! 😁

...You can't take my birthday... That's not allowed...

I saw it and easily put it in my memory bank.

Gluing my hands together on purpose and then panicking about it and calling for help and then shoving and kicking at anybody who tries to help me pry them apart because I'm panicking too much

Cuz this is mahhh United States of Joe Biden

Being a pilot must suck if you like the ground

There was a big explosion and everyone in the entire world died. Huge bummer, rest in peace

Homer Simpson is responsible for the deaths of Maude Flanders, Frank Grimes, and Dr. Nick Riviera. He should be in prison for the rest of his life

Going viral on both Twitter (14k likes) and on here (84 likes) in the same day has been a wild experience for sure

I don't like referring to Charlie Brown as having or not having hoes. Don't call Peppermint Patty and the redheaded girl hoes. It's inappropriate.

(Not 100% sure what "crux" means or if I'm using it correctly) The crux of my order is I want the bacon on the side on one of the Baconators please. Yes in a separate bag please. In the foil wrapping please yes. That's the crux of it yes. Thank you

As soon as I can figure out the i-frames on my forward dash I'm going straight to the dojo and finally earn Mike-sensei's respect

FEEL BETTER SOON PONYO

Going on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and using my Phone A Friend on the $1,000,000 question to call my dad and say I Dont Know The Answer I Fucked Up I'm So Sorry I'm Gonna Get It Wrong and start crying and blubbering all over the table

C's get degrees baby

(Thinking about anything thats going to happen at any point in the future ever) Oh my god I can't WAIIITTT I CANT WAIT I can't waiiiiiiiitttttt I can't wait!!!!! Oh man I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT OH MAN I can't wait! I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WA

They're coming out with a new phone that shoots goo out of its charging port (technically edible) and they're marketing it as "phone cream"

I can't be found.

*Escapes*

I only have 5 hit points but I make up for it by having very high defense and running away on the first or second turn of combat

Guy waking up with a bunch of sandpaper superglued to his ass and balls: Wha... What the fuck... Where am I...?
Jigsaw Appearing On The TV: Hello Mark. For years you have skipped washing your ass in the shower. For years people have had to smell your poopy smelling ass. Today I offer you redemption.

Why would you want food when you could have NUTZ?!

There was originally a third Wet Bandit in Home Alone and Kevin was supposed to just straight up kill him by pushing him into a vat of acid. They had to take that part out because Macaulay Culkin's contract said No Acid Vats No Exceptions

(About to burn every bridge I have and completely ruin my entire life) About to start making some big moves, stay tuned everybody!

Jamming my hand in a roller press to get my mandatory lifetime suffering quota out of the way