Literally

Baz is short for Barry and Barry is short for Barrymanilow

Made a taco salad.

Too much salad. Not enough taco

Eric Andre capturing how I think we all feel these days:

Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.

using my bidet to clean my bathroom wall

Rubbing two breadsticks together to try and light the pizza oven

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

my mom just used the phrase “asking for a friend” so I think we can officially put that one to rest, RIP homie you were a real one

I bring a real "doing blood sacrifices in the bathroom to curse Jan in HR" vibe to the workplace that employers hate

When vegetarian men hang out it’s called an eggplant party.

I'd have to say Rodgers and Hammerstein is my favorite porn.

I'm not calling it getting old anymore. I'm going to say it's time sickness from now on.

WHAT?!

I was 100% certain this was fake news .... then I looked it up.

Some sources...

time.com/7382406/gemi...
uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/google-...
futurism.com/artificial-i...
gizmodo.com/googles-chat...

Would be endlessly helpful if everyone got their name tattooed on their face

So, when is it inappropriate to continue with months old? “I’m 607 months old…”
Is this okay?

Most people don't understand that Flava Flav's clock is gigantic because he has one of the worst recorded cases of far sightedness in history.

You can see the "art of the deal" with what Trump is doing in Iran; if the art is all Americans going broke and the economy crashing and burning. What a beautiful work of art!

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

I’m at the age where I look at old pictures of me to see if that mole always looked like this.

But who's gonna name me Crunchwrap Supreme Leader of this Taco Bell?

It's not too early to start planning for Bastille Day, if you know what I mean

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

daylight saving private ryan

I view the world's largest ball of yarn as a direct competitor to my world's largest ball of navel lint.

Oven clock, we meet again.

if i could go back in time to meet any person, it would be the first guy who decided to eat an egg

I won’t rest until the President proclaims me LOSER OF THE MIDWEST

Setting up Cologuard deliveries to the new testing lab in Washington DC.

Nothing fancy. Just a ziplock bag and stamps.

I know someone out there has to be named Mackenzie Mackenzie.

My yard gnomes started talking to me.

Gnome saying?