Hammaconda
12.03.2026 15:20
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Hammaconda
Why can’t we train migrating swallows to carry the oil with them when they travel north?
Everything sucks, except the one person you want to
Enough snow has melted that I can finally take down the lights. And as I spool the string of lights as I go around the tree, I can’t help but think how the man I am today is so much different than the man I was when I hung those lights up back in November.
Still laughing at farts, of course.
This regime is quite literally clown shoes
Hey, Congress, time to take away grandpa’s keys before he crashes his car into a farmer’s mar… shit, too late.
In Europe they’re celebrating 90’s rock band 113 today
Looking forward to being 90 years old, gathering the kids around me so I can dispense sage wisdom from my many years of life, but it’s nothing but lyrics to 311 songs.
“You know kids, the fish who keeps on swimming is the first to chill upstream, that’s what I’ve always said…”
Glanced out the window and came face to face with The Beast of a Thousand Worries. I sat frozen in fear, gazing deeper and deeper into its eyes, struggling to break free from its horrors yet unable to look away.
Then I realized I was looking at my own reflection and had a little chuckle about it.
Rise and shine, twatwaffle
Stumbling downstairs with the raw sensuality of a bag of week old pumpernickel bagels
Fuck am tired
Not now, Daddy needs to stare at the wall for a while.
If you print out my skeets and read them in reverse order you’ll end up with an incredibly wasteful pile of utter rubbish.
Really getting tired of people insisting that I respect their personal space at this orgy 🫤
Bouncing on it just to get me to shut up for five damned minutes.
Happy Tuesday, Taco Tits
Get these fucking morons out of here and lock their asses up. Enough is enough.
My days of not taking Idaho seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
Note to self: write note to self.
Not sexy, not funny, not even a secret third thing.
Reverse cowgirl because you’re in the middle of giving me the silent treatment.
[during sex] seriously, thank you again for doing this with me
I try to take one damn minute for myself and I get hunted down for not answering when somebody was shouting from the other side of the house 😖
How am I? I don't answer trick questions.
Procrastimaxxing (looking at smut and being a pig)
Establish dominance at your morning meeting by staring at the table in a silence--just passed the point it becomes uncomfortable--then look up, uttlerly deadpan, and say, in a thick, croaking New England accent: "'Pers to be a storm abrewin,..."
I stopped the world to melt my yard
