Missy Baker

You know when you plug your phone in all night, and you wake up and it’s not charged at all? That’s the best metaphor I’ve seen for getting older.

Daylight saving time is a fake holiday made up by big makeup to sell more under-eye concealer.

I love the first few days after a time change when I can blame being late on Daylight Saving Time instead of my personality.

Happy International Women's Day to my mom, my best friend, and every drunk girl l've ever talked to in a dive bar bathroom.

Daylight savings hits different when you have insomnia. Oh no, I lost an hour of not sleep.

Good idea!

Messages my grandma got during the war: “My dearest love, your smile is the bright light calling me home.”

Messages I’m getting during the war: “You have been pre-approved for an unsecured loan of up to $75,000.”

He won’t be, but at least we get a break from that face.

Yes!

Burn her blankie and give the dog a new one!

Because she killed her dog, and I want justice for Cricket!

Firing Kristi Noem is not enough. They should also make the next DHS Secretary a dog.

I hate when men act like women are so hard to please. All we want are dresses with pockets and the swift hammer of justice.

They are adorable!!!

If a murderer ever breaks into my house, I hope it’s not when my dog is on my lap, because I am NOT moving.

To everyone who encouraged my writing and comedy over the years… How dare you? Do you realize how poor I am?

Well, it’s 2:00 am, time to go look up more conspiracy theories to believe in 100%

I’ll never stop making jokes. When I die, put my ashes in a whoopee cushion.

This Mask reboot is creepin me out

Me 6 months ago: Conspiracy theories are not real.
Me now: Jim Carrey has been replaced by a clone.

No matter how bad things get, I remind myself that they could always be worse. I could have a man.

There’s actually no excuse for hanging out with a known predator. I once cut someone out of my life for saying “supposebly.”

Sorry, it’s not my fault he’s perfect. 😍

Sorry I’m late. My dog fell asleep in a cute position and I had to conduct an entire photoshoot.

Blizzards are not as fun as Dairy Queen led me to believe.

Bad Sisters!

How many edibles do I need to take to feel like this?

I don’t think I’m meant for a 9 to 5. I’m much better suited for 12 straight hours of staring at the sea and pining for my husband who mysteriously never came home.

I would die for you, Punch! 🥹

I realized it wasn’t healthy to place my entire mental health on my dog, so I did the responsible thing and outsourced some of it to that baby monkey in Japan.