I honestly need one of those stuffed orangutans for myself. That thing looks comforting as hell.

I like to freak out my former hookups who are now married by texting them “Here”…..

Getting shown up in the arena of elite impunity by *the British monarchy* is an incredible “America at 250!” achievement

I don’t know exactly what to do but I do what I can to keep the fascists and cosplaytriots from having a complete ball and that’ll have to do until we can convince the rest of these people to get their hearts straight.

Watching sports on tv is mostly watching people say “fuck” in slow motion.

let they who are without cringe cast the first comment

This game has more innings than the Finnish phonebook.

I literally did this once at an miserable office job I had.

Broke: AI actress
Woke: AI mime

Ingredients: Corn

Turns out every who is a boss of any kind is a nazi.

The first diet coke after a 1 day break from diet coke really hits.

There’s too many new kinds of shoes. Van & Doc Martens. That’s all we need.

If you're not sad at all then that's sad.

What’s going on with my “clowns” and in some cases, “mimes”

My spool of floss is never ending.

Level 1 improv teacher referring to improv as the Dart Arts.

There’s a new baby in my building which means I’m it’s first annoying white neighbor.

I was not aware of them until I just now read their entire wikipedia page.

Don’t worry. The next Second City main stage show title will be so filled with puns that no nazi will dare show their face.

Some good ol’ fashioned midwestern satire can fix all of this.

Propaganda sent straight from a government agency to my inbox.

Every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

What the hell is a “wearable”? Also, don’t tell me. And, Im not ever going to wear one.

The disparity btwn what’s actually happening in Los Angeles and the way it’s being mischaracterized is one of the biggest stress tests of modern media in recent memory. Botted socials, AI, old clips, declining literacy—it’s like seeing a broken emergency response system hit by a storm.

If you get hit with a rubber bullet I can help you by making out with you.

Nothing a big talent show can't fix.