chronicle

Edwin van der Sar deserves a shout I think. They paid pennies for him and he solved the goalkeeping issues they'd had for so many years and helped them turn into one of the best back lines in the world

i really have nothing i want to say

don't talk to me like you're above wanting to fuck an elf. don't come in here all high and mighty pretending like you don't want to fuck an elf

Don't threaten me with a good time

This is my favourite one you've posted so far

I've always assumed it began as someone's typo that became an inside joke, then escaped into the outside world

Me: "I think, as a species, we are too comfortable destroying microclimates and environments. There are too few remaining ecosystems as it is and biodiversity is tanking globally. Entire species are dying by the thousands. I won't add to that."

Mom: "you still gotta clean your room"

Me: "FUCK"

When you do that, Chipotle legally has to provide your server with a free meal so they can enjoy too. Good looking out 👍

I'm grateful that Serenity exists to give the show some closure, but I really feels like it pales in comparison to the series. You should absolutely treat yourself and watch it.

Everyone said taking the job after Klopp was a poisoned chalice. Slot's glugging beer from that mf

I've just been necking flouride. Highhli reccomend

The last thing i want to do is hurt you. I have a few errands i want to run first

Christina Aguilera: 🎵 You are beautiful

Me: Hey, thanks!

Christina Aguilera: 🎵 No matter what they say

Me: Excuse me??

[Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

I'm scared I might accidentally meow a slur 😔

A picture of the guy about to cut his foot off from the movie Saw

No actually I do not think I will be sharing any amount of anything I’ve done or that I like to “get to know me by”, I would prefer not to be known in any capacity

I haven't tried this yet but I bet it feels amazing

You're so pretty. I don't even mind if you tell me to shut up and call me dumb 😍

me: I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there haha

patient grabs my ankle: epipen

I've been meaning to get around to it 😳

ME: oh you can call anyone daddy these days. guy, girl, genderless, it all works

DENTIST: ok but I’m asking you specifically to not call me that

You've caught another one in your trap... What's WoT? 😭

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that's fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.