Shredded Wheat is just Scrubbing Bubbles for your colon.

Cooking show: "Today we'll be cooking offal."
Me: "Ewww, they're cooking the internal organs."
Mom: "Must be why the show's called 'Heart and Soul'."

Mom: "I'll do it when it's dark afternoon."
Me: "You mean 'evening'?"
Mom: "Yeah. Sure. That. Whatever." *waves hand dismissively*

"You can't thank nobody if you're dead."
--drag queen from last night's dream

Trying to explain Three Kings Day to Mom:
"When Jesus was born, God put a batsignal in the sky in the shape of a star. The Wise Men were like, "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-JEE-SUS!" and they took off in their camel-mobiles."
"Was the Joker there?"
"Yes, but I think they called him King Herod."

Of course we had our own line of branded holy waters, blessed incenses, and various artisan purifying salts.
"And do you know what's scarier than malicious entities from beyond the veil? Someone getting access to your personal data! That's why today's video's sponsor is Nord VPN..."

Dreamed we had a show working with families dealing with spirits/entities, researching & appraising any cursed items, and offering a team of exorcists to "clean" the home. It was a surreal mashup of ghost hunters, house makeovers, haunted antique roadshow, and unadulterated late stage capitalism.

A crush is just my body's way of telling me I don't know someone well enough for them to disappoint me yet.

I thought I was stuck with Autism Basic, but I'm thinking of upgrading to Autism+ because It comes with a year of Peacock. (Not the streaming service, just a specific avian hyperfixation).

Parent: "I might need bail money."
Me: "No problem! Just take it out of the college fund account you helped me set up."
Parent: "I didn't help you set up a....oh."

Tien Tsin peppers are senna tea for the sinuses.

Growing up, I was taught that you learn one new thing each day.
As I got older, I realized how much more fucked up that one thing gets each day.

Doc: "You know you've made it when you've looped around to wood paneling again."

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point [...] A chastity or honesty, or mercy, which yields to danger will be chaste or honest or merciful only on conditions. Pilate was merciful till it became risky.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Star Trek Picard: "Here is this clever and elaborate plan involving social engineering, smooth talking, and more than a bit of luck."
Why we need a "Star Trek: Janeway": "GET IN SEVEN, THIS STARSHIP'S ALREADY STOLEN AND I'VE GOT BORG TO TEABAG BEFORE MY COFFEE GETS COLD! LET'S GO, BITCHES!!!"

Mom: "Are you sure?"
Me: "If my 'no' was any harder it'd have its own Onlyfans."

Watching my 18 year old second cousin squirm as his Great Aunt Sue talks about losing her virginity is an amazing level of schadenfreude. 10/10 would recommend.

I, for one, am totally looking forward to the evitable mashups between Legally Blonde the Musical and She-Hulk. Probably named something like "Legally Green".

Mom: "Any socks are compression socks if your feet swell enough!"

Mom: "My heart is having problems this morning."
John: "Is it having a total eclipse?"
Mom: "...no?"
John: "Then it can wait until after coffee."

Last Night's Dream: a mashup of Guy's Grocery Games and Drag Race. Drag Queen Chefs run around a grocery store to gather ingredients to make their themed dish. They present their completed dish to music on the runway in a segment called "Lip-sing for your Lunch".

I don't know what I'm more surprised by:
* a celebrity being alive that I thought was already dead.
* a celebrity who died that I thought was already dead.
* how often, apparently, that I think people are already dead.

"It’s an awfully difficult time for dragons right now, so don’t feel bad for staying in your den more. Take some time to admire your treasures. Hunker down and sit on your gold. It’s ok to wait for the villagers to calm down before you emerge again. Erebor was not built in a day." - Dream Horoscope.