Tim Lyons

Those Jeeps with headlights that make them look angry always scare me on the road but I prefer it to the VW Bugs with eyes lashes that make me horny.

I could see myself getting married here.

I'm at the scene where ICE abducted multiple people from Lincoln and Foster this morning.

A WGN producer was among the people taken, allegedly because she was among a group of bystanders who tried to intervene. ICE agents hit this car while making their getaway.

Kat Abughazaleh: ICE lies. That's kind of their thing.

I am just so fucking proud of her.

Happy Birthday to me

Crazy what makes the news

Trying stand up for the first time

Release the list of names of the guys who bought bottled up farts from that woman online in 2020, almost killing her from making her fart so much.

If you end up making a movie about this guy, just offer it up Tracey Letts. Looks like him, sounds like him, it's a freebie.

Another lesson for da club

Like weed, coughing after sipping whiskey that goes down the wrong pipe gets you drunker. I do it on purpose.

Sure 🔥way to pick up any girl at da club

Day 6,652 of resisting the urge to go downtown and f**k the bean. Today was hard.

Seeking 6 guys who want to transform their lives over the next 4 months and love burgers. Must be willing to go to war against a rival family of 5 burger lovers.
DM for details.

After reading all the day’s terrible news, it’s nice to unwind by having my mother, who hasn’t spoken to anyone all day, recap all of the day’s terrible news back to me in an absolute panic.

Yesterday’s live is now on YouTube: m.youtube.com/watch?featur...

Oh hell yes.

Woke up screaming from a nightmare where my ass got pinched by one of those rolling slides at Discovery Zone.

So far so good

Thanks to my son for giving me my daily news! #thedailyduke

My last TikTok on old TikTok. #dating #videos #tiktokban #relationships

So sick

*Me using a vacuum my mom has had and used her entire life*

My mom: oh my god what is that noise!?

My wife said she’ll divorce me if I say “my spider sense is tingling” one more time after I use the hearing aid feature on my new AirPod Pros.

Not sure if gingers have souls but I know that if we kill someone in a dream they die in real life.

I like to leave my inbox wide open on Black Friday and let the emails roll in! There’s so many great deals and steals! Then when I have all my little emails together, I tuck them into their own folder and unsubscribe from them one by one. Smiling, I bathe in their blood.

Goty or it’s rigged.

All my cousins banging on the bathroom door 40 minutes after dinner, shit filling up their pants. My legs are asleep, my ass cheeks are red and I'm 30 minutes into a perfect Balatro run on my phone. I can't stop now. I won't stop now.

Hosting Thanksgiving this year