GREAT NEWS!
A special task force of elderly bald men, smelling of chives and armed with small penises, has arrived to liberate Dubai from the Iranian onslaught!
💪
GREAT NEWS!
A special task force of elderly bald men, smelling of chives and armed with small penises, has arrived to liberate Dubai from the Iranian onslaught!
💪
2 of Britain’s favourite chaps are joining forces to invest in Bitcoin(whatever that is).
It’s bound to be a HUGE success because Nige & Kwasi go together like:
Herpes & Chlamydia
Trump & Nappies
Nads Dorries & Gin
Spurs & Managers
Lee Anderson & Kindness
Chaka Demus & Pliers.🎉
This is my wife Bunty and I visiting the village shop after watching Chris Philp’s latest message to the nation.😳
‘Everyone place your hands on the person whose trousers smell of excrement.’
That dinner menu in full as President Trump entertains Mr Farage at Mar-a-Lago:
Porn Cocktail.
Jizz Pancakes with salted Clacton Cream.
Small sausages & wrinkled chestnuts in a dry rub.
Burnt Chicken Kyiv.
Spotted Dick with a 30p Lee Syrup.
Coffee, Liqueurs & Nappies.
🤮
Dean our Paperboy announces he is standing for Reform in the next council elections.
‘Why?’ I sadly ask.
‘Mr Anderson has promised me all the Greggs I can eat plus a new BMX & Simple Sally in the village shop is standing too. She’s been promised lots of wood shavings & mince.’😬
1. ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ on television.
2. Nearly everyone in the world wearing trainers.
3. Kale, spinach & apple smoothies.
4. Wrap music.
OK
Apart from
Imposing tariffs on us
Meddling in our politics
Sueing the BBC
Slagging off our troops in Afghanistan
Being an alleged paedophile
& starting WW3
Pres. Trump is a great ally & Keir Starmer SHOULD start acting like a snivelling shit & support him.
SORT IT OUT STARMER!
The Daily Mail is often slagged off for right wing hyperbole, stupid hysteria and over reaction.
But no one ever praises the paper for reasoned & logical articles like this one.
I’m absolutely 100% sure most Londoners wished they were living in the Middle East at the moment.
🤔
‘Mum. Look here!
It’s another instalment from Isabel Oakeshott.
Today she’s telling us how brave her au pair was in cooking the family’s Native lobster, roasted heritage carrots and buttermilk purée whilst being bombarded by enemy missiles…’
FAO NIGEL FARAGE!
Joseph Conrad
Vivien Leigh
Gerald Durrell
T.S. Eliot
Rudyard Kipling
Joanna Lumley
Freddie Mercury
George Orwell
Tessa Sanderson
J.R.R. Tolkien
Mo Salah
All unable to vote despite their contribution to our country because they were born outside the UK.
🤔😡
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Gorton and Denton.
Just a simple question for Reform:
Does this mean Matt Goodwin is now a ‘Shadow’ MP?
😜
Please Today
All you Northerners
VOTE CONSERVATIVE in Gorton and Denton.
Why?
-Our candidate has big glasses(must be clever)
-I think she’s a Northerner like you lot
-Erm
-Bunty tells me she’s got pretty eyes
-Really?
-Oh well, I suppose so
-Um
-She smells nice
- Will that do?
🙏
I see Toys-R-Us are marketing their new Shadow Home Secretary Dressing Up Kit (ages 5-8).
It comes with podium, name plate, dummy microphone, smart suit and an idiot.😊
Jill in the village shop is angry:
“Had that Fergie in here yesterday begging for a job,”she says.
“Told her Dean & Simple Sally work here. Suggested she might try joining a provincial theatre tour of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ or make some toe sucking videos on that OnlyFannies’
😬
😉
Two lovers reunited this morning❤️
Boris & Laura.
Bunty went all moist on me.
Jill in the village shop had a trickle.
It brought a tear to my teat.
Boris & Laura
Our Andy & Fergie
Our Worzel & Aunt Sally
Our Hitler & Dr David Starkey
Our Peters & Lee
Our Jizz
Love conkers all!😍
Mr Trump’s inaugural meeting of his Bored of Peace looked great fun!
Held to a background of Elvis tunes it was lovely to see Gianni Infantile President of the Nation of FIFA present.
Not only that President Bernardo Manning of Argentina proved he was a hunk of burning love.🥳
Ahem…
And who’s going to tell this chap the latest news regarding Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor & his arrest for SUSPICION OF MISCONDUCT IN PUBLIC OFFICE OVER HIS LINKS TO JEFFREY EPSTEIN?
😊
That Farage cabinet in full…
Bob Jenrick: Minister for Unerpants & Socks
Suella Braverman: Minister for Anger & Rage
Lee Anderson: Shadow Secretary for Shadows
Ann Widdecombe: Minister for Margarine & Sheds
Richard Tice: Minister for Blondes
Zia Yusuf: Minister for Conkers & Teats.
