Mattzarella

My love language is trying to turn everything into a sexual innuendo

oh no yeah….everything is very much less than ideal

Guys don't like it when you call their penis a manhandle. Booo

For the low price of of $5 I will text you good morning each day. Add another $5 and I’ll slay your enemies

It’s Friday.

Get your buttholes ready.

It’s really cool how my allergies will just randomly decide that I don’t deserve to breathe out of my nose.

if you don’t understand why somebody is grieving for so long over something, consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand

does backflip over your post and finger guns at it in midair before continuing to scroll

I am overwhelmed and understimulated

So, we’re attacking a nation who wants to enforce a state religion and suppress women’s rights?

Weird.

The aliens aren't even picking up the phone anymore

I keep posting posts no one likes.

starting to doubt if there ever really was a place in france where the ladies would not wear any pants
but here we are spending money on bombs instead of getting to bottom of this

“Before Watchmen: Silk Spectre” #1 Writer - Darwyn Cooke Artist - Amanda Connor

mumbling my mantra to myself
“don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird.”

0% success rate

🎵🎶wake me when fascism ends🎵🎶

yeah, no…it’s not very catchy

gotta do what cha gotta do

i’ve used everything in my apartment for mindfulness. now i have to start shipping the hookers in.

*grounding*

Fixing my problems one slice of cheese at a time.

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they’re ready to fuck

eww 😷

scene from saw guy with ax contemplating sawing his ankle

When the bottom of your sock gets wet

anxiety and depression!? in this economy?

oh no yeah…that makes sense

Who you are when you’re tired is the real you.

my dad got me a sweatshirt that says “first of all, i’m a delight,” so i’m getting him a t-shirt that says “i wasn’t yelling. i was parenting.”

I should be getting kisses down my back but whatever

Do these compressions socks make my butt look big?

Why can’t a black hole just open up and take me right now?