another year~~ i’ve learned a lot about people around me, but i’ve learned more about myself 🌱 lots of people suck & the world is a shitshow; somehow i persist. i’m sad she’s not here to know this version of me but i’m glad she’s not here to experience everything that’s been happening. ✌🏻
wtf phone why
she said some things that made me feel really incompetent 😩 I had three weeks on the job when I had to take PTO & bereavement, & this was my second day back so her words hit 🥲 I feel for the pt too, & then the situation reminded me of my mom + I would’ve vented to her about it. rough day lol 🙃
I’m not even going to correct that dayshit typo 😂 that nurse is rude!
work week starts on sunday, but YES it feels like four back to backs! 😩 & that shows my regular alternating schedule so the only day I’m not present at work is tuesday. it’s exhausting, & I had a dayshit nurse scold me this AM so I feel even worse about my job rn 🥲
I’m hoping to wait and have a small service at home with her favorite flowers ❤️ but yeah it was some rando wanting to express condolences, but I was like 🙃🙅🏻♀️😠 I said nothing cat toxic is coming inside so the florist changed the arrangement 😭 sending generic funeral flowers feels so impersonal too
my bluesky has inadvertently become my place of thoughtvomit venting, sorry lol. I have my okay and then the not-so-okay moments, it’s just whole new pain I’ve never had to deal with & my family’s never been the greatest emotional supporters. thanks for being there 💜 it’s really appreciated 💛
the cutie pies! 🥰😘 I’ve been thinking about a second pet myself for a while, max needs a buddy 🥹
before mom died, I told my aunt I’d put the phone down by her ear for last words (bc aunt “couldn’t come”), & I regret it. it was a curt “I love you” & then “I’m done.”
mom deserved better. she deserved more people who loved her. I’m just so sorry, and I’m sad I don’t have her in my life anymore.
when they told me it would be soon, I called my aunt... she could have found a ride or gotten a cab, I didn’t care if I had to pay for it! but she didn’t want to. she never texted or called thru this entire week, & only briefly visited the day before mom died. a less than 20 minute visit.
apparently she asked how we’re doing. I said it would be nice if (my aunt) could communicate with me, too, & gma made excuses about aunt’s financial stress as if that’s a good reason & left to “put her feet up” on her bed because she has a “very bad headache.”
this is the most alone I’ve ever felt.
my mom was my whole family, I’m so lost right now. the hospice staff were the only ones to hug and console me. my grandma hugged me once when they bagged her body, & I feel like it was only because she couldn’t handle it. meanwhile my aunt hasn’t called or texted me at all but texted my grandma.
aww, I’m sure your little guy will still appreciate it! it’s made with love and discount yarn 💜😂😭✨❤️
one thing I keep thinking I’d like to do scrapbook to collect my memories, her person, her life into something physical that I can always add to.
at this point my wound is raw & all I want to do is hoard her belongings, but I need some tool to help me process through this experience.
woke up several times throughout the night but actually got up just before 9:29 today…
I have a mom-sized hole in my heart, and I don’t know how to carry the grief that comes with it yet. I end up sitting in one place with no drive to get up until my cat comes meowing his ass off at me.
sometimes saying you don’t know what to say is the best thing to say, thank you ❤️ it hit very suddenly & her health plunged rapidly within a week… her body just couldn’t go on anymore. I love her so much, & I really hope she knew/knows that. wherever her energy went, I hope she’s at peace.
thru the night I’d been doing oral care, lotion, filed her nails… I did her right hand after she passed. I gave her a lavender bath, dressed her in one of her fave pjs, tweezed the best I could. these were my last acts of love toward her physical body & an acknowledgment of what she would’ve liked.
she expressed pain a couple times & often showed signs of oxygen hunger. at one point I asked if she could see me (still hoping for one last moment of clarity with her), and she said no — honestly, she was just reacting to pain (max sitting on her legs) and that was the last time she spoke.
that was the last time she really communicated except to say she was afraid because “they” will know we’re here. I assume she was dreaming… we told it’s okay, they know we’re here. we’re supposed be here.
I told her I loved her, she’s my most important person, and I’m sorry for being such a bitch. she just shook her head and said I wasn’t.
she passed away at 9:29 this morning. never came to like she did at the hospital where she talked, watched some tv, & fed herself, but I did have a brief back and forth — tho she wasn’t very lucid and probably in some pain — when I got to the hospice house.
she wanted to watch the banshees of inisherin & a heartland christmas, but she never got around to them. she’ll never finish HDM or be excited for new heartland eps. it sounds stupid but it hurts. I’ll never have another at-ease conversation or a “therapy session” or be able to joke with her again.
this is agony & my heart hurts. she worked so hard & struggled so much. my mom deserved a better life than the one she got, & I'm so sorry for all the stupid times I got mad & bitchy & said mean things. I wish I remembered where she wants her ashes spread. I wish she knew how much I love her.
my mom was a&o enough last night to agree to have her care switched from active treatment to comfort. she was mostly out of it yesterday but has had a few moments of clarity… only during one of them did I feel like I could have a semi-normal conversation with her.
my mom transferred to a step down unit yesterday but she is 110% not herself... it's a shock to the system seeing someone you love needing the same level of care you've been providing other patients with where you tell yourself "if this were my mom...”
liver is failing to fxn, she's been admitted to ICU. if she goes off IV dextrose, blood sugar level drops right back down
liver failure > multiple organ failure is my new thought cycle
I'm beside myself
unexpectedly found my mom this evening completely stiff, unable to talk or move. no pupil dilation. I thought she had a stroke — but her glucose is speeding through and dropping below 10. I have no idea what’s wrong.
screw courses right now.
one of my rc supervisors just nudged me to finish my onboarding courses… my dude, I feel guilty enough but can I just have a saturday pls? I’m running two full-times & slacking on two volunteer jobs crying about how to manage full-time nursing & everything in between. 🦥✨🪄✨🤷🏻♀️
I went to starbucks as soon as my shift ended and bought a proper peppermint mocha ha ha 🥹✨
happy 2024, geisha!! hope the new year has good things in store for you 😌
the starbucks machine at work has been misbehaving all week, here’s to welcoming the new year with a hot $3 cup of water that is most definitely not a mocha 🥲🥳
