Dvst

Like. Yes, these things suck and make me sad which makes me question why these relationships r the ones I put my effort into, but it's like a training arc? And I do it with ppl who make me happy too?

I also feel less crazy when it's over a valid complaint tbf

It's that therapy "push yourself a little all the time" mindset? I'll get in a relationship w someone nonchalant and casual to manage my need for affection and validation and commitment, I'll b w someone taken (n open) to fight my need to be the "most" important to them?

I lowkey love utilitarian discomfort as a mentally unstable person? Like, it's prob bpd but whatever it is, I will find things to make me sad and spiral and decide r huge problems in any relationship, if i do that with slightly valid things that I need to work on, it's great?

Like. I wanna present a better version of myself to people for first impressions? But I also don't wanna be alone through healing? It's... Not a fast process? Can I deny myself irl affection that long? I don't feel like I should but then Idk how much to fix before I feel worth loving? Hmmm

In a rly sticky "I want to find love" Vs "I need to get my shit together first" thing. Like on a super literal level, my bedroom is a mess n I don't think I wanna bring someone there if things go crazyyyy well? On a less literal one my head is fucked and I have told many untreated health conditions

It's weird cos sometimes it takes me ages to find someone new n exciting n sometimes it's instant? I just rlyyyy hate when there's no one around? But I guess I'm way better at keeping in touch w more than 1 person rn so is that even a risk?

My ex is still in my head cos like, how much of my care and investment does affection buy you from me? I held on for months w him n now I feel like my situationship is a drip feed n. Ugh. I don't wanna be alone cos I blow everything up but I don't feel happy? N I wanna?

Ik I'm dramatic and overemotional but it works in both directions so I have the very simple rule that people I choose to hang out with have to make me happier than they make me sad? Cos I'll always find ways to get sad, it just has to be the smaller portion of the split

But
Ppl keep not?

"I don't care 😒... that's a lie, I care a lot. I wish I didn't care 😒😤" lmao

"men only want 1 thing"

I painted for like 3h and it was fun but now I think I've been reminded I stopped painting actually bc my joints got worse n now I hurt all over? Hm. I should get that looked at

in a monogamous relationship with my rose bush cos I can't imagine caring for another plant.
that's my baby, I don't need anyone else
(altho I kinda think my valentine's flowers pollinated it a lil, I mightttt need 1 more for pretty flowers more often..)

I feel like I need to be less picky or I'll end up alone but at the same time idk how to change what I find attractive n I don't wanna be with someone im not attracted to? :( like physical stuff does play an important part :/ hm

There is no turn off like a blank dating app profile? Like you expect me to think you'll put in the effort with me when you can't even answer a few questions? R u doing "I'm hot enough ppl will match regardless" cos I hate that too 😭

"Officer" here is the woke police coming to get me for thinking of that behaviour as feminine, but gender feels r tied to society's ideas, that ain't on me chief

"you didn't say gn so u hate me now" "I look fat don't i? Tell me honestly, I look fat. I don't? U mean it? :))" "whatever, I don't even care *sulks*" "no no I don't even want anything, it's fine! Oh? You got me smth? *Cries*"

Nooo officer, this is my gender support immaturity, I'm just a girl 👉👈🌸

I think being enby means I can call being into women sapphic rather than straight n I do rly love that

Especially when my mental illness makes me into a rly reductive female stereotype a lot of the time

When I think of a funny line but I have to clarify I'm not a person who genuinely says things like that with their chest

Like my brain is chill kinda? But I'm still fight or flight? My breath is short and my body is tense and I'm typing rly rly fast? Smoking physically feels like it resets that agitated nervous system stuff?

Can anyone explain a way that (with adhd) I can calm down my body after panicking without a smoke? Like I wanna smoke less weed but WHAT ELSE HELPS? I can't mediate or I spiral, I can't do enough chores to zone out without crippling myself? I don't wanna depend on other ppl doing it?

dating feels like that "you can't get a job without experience, and you can't get experience without a job" cos how do I learn if I'm too awkward to get one? Idk. How to do it? Gimme a tutorial and then I'll be fine? 😭

"I wish I could hire an extrovert to take me out clubbing? Like, I'll cover the drinks but they handle where we go n make sure I don't panic n have fun" "isn't that a date?" I. Hm. Is it? I MIGHT KNOW IF ID BEEN ON ANYWAY

"what are you up to?"
"I came to sit outside a while cos I don't do it enough" weird, shut in, why here?
"My therapist gave me homework to just hang out outside" woke, mindful, self improving

I need a therapist 👀

I present to the world "procrastivated" where you're doing productive stuff to procrastinate smth else, like yes, I need to use the energy to vacuum PERFECTLY rn

"oh you're such a shy little loser, too scared to go out and party?" No I just straight up don't like the activity 😭 gimme a quiet corner of a house party? Gimme a gig? Gimme a "bottle of vodka and roam and street drink" not? That? Ew?

How does one approach going to a club on their own when they don't like club activities? I just... Buy a drink I don't want and then sit there pretending not to hate how loud the music is? Try to.. look approachable? Have fun? I don't. Get it 😭

I hate how
"I want to go out and meet ppl and perhaps find romance"
And also
"I don't like clubs and bars"
Are so incompatible?
Like if I could go hang out in the socialising park that would be cool? Chill out on a bench and smoke and mingle?

"you've been lonely all week, it's Friday night, go outside" "but.. if I'm going out I should clean up incase anyone comes back? N I should probably shower?" "If you shower you prob won't have the energy to go out?" "If I don't I shouldn't go out tho cos I'll be gross?" RAH

Why does brushing my teeth with warm water feel so deeply wrong? Logic says it should be nicer? Warm water prob kills more germs? But warm water makes my teeth feel round and less clean? Cold is sharp and fresh?

🧠: there was a figure behind you as the left the bathroom
"No, it was a towel"
🧠: are you sure?
"Yes"
🧠: you bet your life kinda sure?
DUDE SHUT UP
do you want me to go look at a towel to relax? No? That's really dumb? I refuse