My son just informed me that a former landlord paid someone to kill his ex wife, was caught, and died of "self indicted injuries" over the space of the past weekend.
Figurines of Brady Bunch and Partridge Family fighting each other
I have created a diorama of the Partridge family attacking the Brady Bunch family. My life is very boring.
I've always wanted to Winnie the Pooh it at a BK.
Years ago I decided that the hyphen is the only dash-like punctuation I will ever use. One "-" is all that's ever needed and I have never had any complaints or confusion.
I have no idea why people think canola oil doesn't taste awful and doesn't ruin everything by stinking my kitchen up for days.
mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, weβre out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I'm >||< close to convincing her we should buy a cabin in the woods somewhere
I'm 99 percent sure that Canadian curling guy jinxed it.
INVENTOR OF CONTRACTIONS: you know what the word βnotβ is too fucking long
sometimes I second guess my posts but then I just think fuck it send who cares
When my ship was about to deploy, I would buy a roll of dimes. As we moved I would drop a dime over the side and watch how far down it would go before I couldn't see it anymore.
Scattered throughout the Carrib and Atlantic are tens of dollars in dimes - *in 90's money*, it's with millions now.
Lucky enough to not remember any of my bullies' names or faces.
Therapist stopped hitting on me long enough to tell me Iβm a textbook narcissist.
Why is it every single time there's an Olympics someone has to tell us they ran out of condoms.
Get more. Start a year out. Stockpile like a pepper for fucks sake. Every room should have 50 boxes.
They can't drink or do drugs, of course they be fuckin.
10/10 No notes
Nowadays, when my wife says she's "with child," she's pointing at me.
I almost feel bad for AI because we all know someone somewhere is trying to find a way to fuck it.
i just deleted a shitty post !
πβπβπΎππΌπ π»ππΌπβ'π βπΈβπΌ
I canβt explain it but I think itβs curling?
I like to think that the very first "superb owl" joke was just
"Superb Owl. Lol."
Just found out my wife wads and doesn't fold. Who the hell did I marry.
My hair has progressed into 1977 Barry Gibb territory you can tell by the way I use my walk
The robovac is stuck somewhere and neither my wife nor I have done anything to find it. I find that really sad for some reason.
Phrases that sound Appalachian but I made them up:
Well your dad said he was vegan until he saw me clean a chicken.
Snakes will either fuck or fight but they wonβt be neighborly.
You can take her a cake, and I can take her a pie, but that doesnβt mean sheβll put on a pot of coffee for us.
Vic is possibly the funniest person you have right now. I get so many belly laughs from them. I mean y'all are funny too but damn.
As a nerd kid, growing up with fantasy books, I have no choice but to think it was an ACT OF WAR trying to convince us that Turkish delight isn't an abomination. Shit's nasty. My first time trying it I felt violated.
CS Lewis was in the pocket of Big Delight.
If you know the reference "SMALL seasoned curlies!" then we are already best friends.
