I know the kind of friend I am, I know how much I'm willing to pour into a person, to support them, to uplift them. I deserve friends who want to show up for me as well and not just when they don't have "better" options.
Sometimes it's good to go back after it's less raw, admit where you were more harsh than intended or remembered, but it's also helpful to keep you from just forgiving awful things from people so blatantly refusing accountability.
All in my feels about friendships and considered reaching back out. Reread the last of our messages where I'm just asking again and again for clarification, but she won't even register the question before telling me I always force people to beg for friendship.
I've been wearing a lot more pastels & jewel tones lately and it's been doing something to my brain. I want to dress like a cartoon character. In repeating themed color pallets. The purple & green outfit that has become my second skin needs heart accessories. I don't know why it does, but it does.
Hey so... what of I just get rid of all my black clothing? I enjoy wearing it sometimes still, but it's no longer comforting to me. It's starting to feel too stiff. Maybe because I wear it mostly to work now?
New work project isn't even to the rough draft stage so I've been calling it the Ugly Draft as I Frankenstein it together from old docs to see what we have. My coworkers have started to feel bad for my playbook and are calling it the Misunderstood Draft. We truly bond with anything.
Things overheard in the parking lot: dad waking by with ten daughter "happy birthday ya filthy animal"
I'm really grateful to have my team man. I've been craving professional support and mentorship like this my whole professional life. They aren't perfect and out is still a job, but they make me feel so seen and supported.
Today's test kitchen:
It's still hard some days. I saw the moon during the day today and took a picture for her. I can never send it. We had so many plans & futures we were supposed to be a part of together. I thought she cared enough to respect me. I thought she knew me. We move on I guess.
Both of my work bullies are gone. I don't think I'm supposed to know yet about one of them, there was a bit of a slip. I'm so excited to be rid of that energy here.
Care for your community. Keep an eye out for vulnerable kids when you can. It's a real shit show out there.
I think of Tony the most. I've always feared she never made it to adulthood, not whole anyways, but I really hope she did and she found someone who is there for her.
Some of the memories and the realizations were more devastating as I put some pieces together. Feeling a lot of anger about those kids who fall through the cracks in rural towns. More than you can imagine live as squatters, often without active parents.
I started a walk down memory lane, looking up the different houses I lived in growing up. The ones I can remember at least. I'm glad I did it overall, I was able to fill in gaps from my memory and think of all the kids in the neighborhoods.
The number of older women who are responding about the SAVE Act making it harder for women to vote saying things like "I've never had a problem before and I've been married 22 years!" Really need to put the drink down and fire up their brains again. New bill = new changes. The most basic concept.
Went to the mall Saturday, an old man split from his group as I was passing and asked if I had a moment. I must have made a face because as soon as I looked at him, he said "oh, no you don't" "no, I don't". Carries on. I almost forgot about that.
Last night I realized she was wanting to lay on my chest, so I rolled over and she immediately placed herself there with loud purrs. I was asleep again in 5 and actually woke rested. She's been over here trying to do her job, but I just wouldn't move for her. What a good brat cat.
This last week Babs has been sleeping closer to me. Usually it's been foot of the bed, but lately she's right up by me. I realized it's because I've been having so much anxiety in my sleep. Any time I wake up in the middle of the night she'd cry at me for a while until we both settled.
The last couple of days have been rough. I don't know where to go from here really.
Sitting in my car at the lake on my break and heard a woman pass by on the phone.
"Sam doesn't have emotions. Any time she cries it's just manipulation. She's not like me"
I couldn't hear the rest, but I think I'm on Sam's side here.
Me in the all-hands meeting: "Please be sure to save as before making any edits (to prevent writing over the template)"
Broker: "Why don't you just lock it so it can't be edited?"
M: "Sure. We'll lock it. Please be sure to save as before making any edits (because you have no choice)"
B: 😡
My mother is trying. She has been understanding, thoughtful, and patient. It's a side of her I am far too unfamiliar with. I hope this means she's healing too, that she's finding peace and understanding for herself. I love her with all of my being, feeling safe in that love may actually be possible.
Bonus hoard picture. Going to pull out my favorite sets to keep in the pockets, along with cons and other odd bits.
Comparison of the old bag or the dice chest vs the new bag is just ridiculous. There are at least 40 sets in there, plus some extra d20s.
I finished a project! I needed a new dice bag, so I drew up a pattern and rummaged through my supplies to plan out the new bag. I didn't spend any new money on this project! I'm so happy with how it turned out.
I will never get used to the fact that my mood often improves from taking to my coworkers and especially my bosses. I didn't think this was something that is ever experience. It's not prefect, because we are all human, but man they try. And not just my nerves.
I've had a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror lately, between the physical gains and emotional losses. This week has been a little easier.
Oops. Caught up on my projects and had a second to think. That was painful. On to the next distraction. I mean super fun thing to do.
Silly work compliment that surprised me today, finding out vendor that visits us for a lunch the 1st Wednesday of each month, has begun to train his teams to set up the food and meeting tools the exact way I always do. He said it's been easier to manage now.
