naturally, as a matter of course

it can depend sometimes, but I heard that there's allegedly an Expedition 33 movie in the works and I'm like. But why tho.

Maybe I just need to get out of the house. I got a date with the gym tomorrow 💪

Like ok buddy, I bathed you, fed you, medicated you, and entertained you today. What are we missing?

Mental illness can truly be wild sometimes, cuz I've got a solid friend group both irl and offline, I have plans with friends lined up. If I wanted more plans, I could always set some up, because people enjoy my company. But your brain will still make you feel anxious and lonely. 🤷

If you are, somehow, reading this. Please get help, sincerely.

Actually, I might just... get off bsky for a couple of days.

The very real realization that I might have a cadre of years long internet stalkers, when all I've been doing is minding my business and living life, is not a pleasant one.

Also, they can't even get basic facts right. I wasn't a moderator in that discord, just a yapper, now that I think about it.

I have not spoken about this person or to this person in well over a year. Genuinely baffling.

And mentioning that I don't trust someone in select few private conversation, or group conversations, which I could probably count on one hand, apparently counts as "as a smear campaign" and "harassment".

There's a guy out there who's shadowboxing with a made-up version of me in their head. Which does, in fact, just re-affirm what I've been told about them.

Finding out that someone I had muted and plain have not through about for months, besides seeing the occasional muted comment, made a callout post for me is wild.

I've been trying to parse it in therapy. The logical thing would be to talk about it, but I need to figure out if it's actually necessary and how not to blow up their day unthinkingly.

The horrors persist, but the only thing kind of eating at me rn and things having an unusual tension in the air between me and a friend (no one on here).

It's hard to gauge how much of it is in my head, how much of it is their depression, or a secret third thing.

There's still days and lapses that just feel Bad, but it feels manageable. School also still feels manageable, and is a huge boon to me rn.

I've probably felt better this month than I've had in quite a while, and that's a wild feeling.

I'm still firmly in the recovery phase. But I can almost perceptibly see color returning to my senses.

Man, I gotta do something about my adversarial relationship with sleep. Like getting into bed fills me with dread. 🫠

When a friend is behaving childishly and you're just. 🚬

Get in bed, close eyes. Feeling good about life. My brain: here's every sad thought you have alphabetized and color-coded, with a touch of existential dread and sadness.

Just let me phase skip this shit, man.

it's like I have "that time of the month" twice a month. one time for my period, and the other for my designated horned up day. 🚬

TMI

it's that one day a month where my body decides to get horned up, and I got none of my tools available. this is hell.

You ever just get so tilted by a parental figure you take you sleep medication and pass out for 17 hours? yeah

anyway, eating lunch and then packing to go babysit my brother's cats for a week ✌️

I'll be fine, prommy, I'm just choosing to phase skip existing for a bit

ok, whatever, I'm taking my sleep meds and just going to bed I just cannot be fucked today. I'm gonna be away babysitting my brother's cats for a week tho starting tomorrow

and like! I know she isn't being genuinely malicious! she thinks she's making funny jokes. but it's so exhausting, man

mom yesterday: can you come to the shops with me?
me: sure (I can help her carry the heavy stuff, and since I'm not working I have time and energy to)
mom, gasping: you said yes? I didn't think you would
me, thousand yard stare:

mom: asks if I want to go for a walk (I know she doesn't want my company, and is asking me primarily cuz she thinks I need more walks)
me: no (more so cuz I'm just not in the mood anymore)
mom, jokingly: ha, "no" really is your favorite word
me to myself: guess I'll die?

Sometimes I'll have a conversation with mom that just leaves me so drained. I can barely be assed to do anything today anymore. I wish it didn't affect me so much and slid off my shoulders easier.

but maybe it's just nice to hang out with fren. Tho I've definitely like, made a point to appreciate my connection a lot more since the Incident. And also just Everything Happening.

Finsa gifted it for my birthday like a billion years ago, I should actually play it lol

and enriching. Like one of them showed me a thing I wouldn't have otherwise sought out myself, but now it's something I would earnestly recommend someone else myself.