Michael McDoormat

Gave my notice at work and now I'm thinking of little easter eggs to leave behind so I haunt that Sharepoint like a ghost.

Why does it look like Statler and Waldorf are about to critique my bowel movement?

Been a long time since I've seen a tweet about the Arne Slot Penitentiary, did it close down?

Is it too much to ask that they make a TV show where the cast, production, characters, and content aligns perfectly with my own politics while still having broad enough appeal that they make multiple seasons?

I also don't want to buy another subscription so it should be available for free online.

The first 2 episodes of the Scrubs revival are a little rough and feel kinda rushed but then the 3rd one just feels like it's taken straight out of the original run.

Like something just clicked back into place.

Me as a child seeing Michael Owen score for Liverpool and Michael Schumacher win a Grand Prix over the same weekend and thinking "wow, a Michael tide is rising".

I've actually been been making a one-hour podcast once a week for the past 3 year years.

Out of respect for everyone's time, I have chosen not to release it publicly.

I hate that we have to live through so many situations that the EU is monitoring closely.

Saw loads of people out walking their dogs this morning.

Any time someone had 2 dogs, the dogs either looked like clones of each other or it was a Timon and Pumbaa situation.

I bet when business people have a falling out they unendorse each other's skills on LinkedIn.

Social media managers for other zoos seeing how much engagement Punch the monkey is getting and trying to make their own animals turn on each other.

"What's up, block?"

"Objects in jirror are closer than they appear."

People getting off the bus: "Thank you"

Me, channelling a new character I've been working on called Sergeant Mischief: "You're welcome"

"Perfect is the enemy of good" I chant to myself as I assign the worst piece of shite I've ever produced for my manager's review.

🎶And if the Vintage Tea Trips bus, crashes into us...🎶

Hate that awkward moment when you're opening a Valentine's Day card from your wife and you have to pretend not to be disappointed when you see she hasn't put any money in it.

Rewatching Brooklyn 99. I know it's copaganda, but I forgot how it's also weirdly anti-firefighter.

Trying to think of a programme less necessary to deploy AI features on than fucking Notepad

I think the worst part of genAI is having to see the type of shite people have apparently always wanted to make but previously lacked the means.

Saw an Instagram account that's all videos of celebrities necking pints of Guinness in front of Larry King. Just.. why?

A mysterious individual known only as 'noreply' has been implicated in the Epstein files, appearing over 10,000 times in emails.

Graham Linehan will address the US House of Representatives while the other side of his face addresses the US Senate.

Mary has started going to a "Reform Pilates" class which sounds like a vaguely Protestant offshoot of pilates.

Incredible ad campaign

*Guy from the 'Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists' about to cum*

"IT'S ONE SECOND TO MIDNIGHT!!!"

A friend of mine didn't respond to 2 messages I sent so every couple of hours I'm sending him ~150 lines of the Bee Movie script until he replies

BREAKING: From 2027, all laptops will vibrate like a phone when someone calls you on Teams.

A spokesman for the manufacturers explained "fuck you lol"

Blood Meridian is a novel that would be very difficult to adapt to film.

I can think of two ways they could pull it off:

1. Every character except the judge is a muppet.

2. The judge is just a giant muppet.