That Girl

Your toxic ex is like those stickers that peel off 90% of the way, but leave behind 10% that are stubbornly stuck for life, no matter how hard you try to scrape them off.

Sorry I gave you good advice and you found out it was lyrics to November Rain

seductively peels off compression socks to reveal even less attractive compression socks

That awkward moment when you try to make America great again but end up destroying the entire world.

I’m starting to think karma is
being held hostage.

Embroidery ring with "I was told there would be a handbasket" in cross-stitch, with the final word above red and yellow "flames"

I don't want AI. I want a toaster that toasts bread evenly

"If all else" has failed.

An insane clown posse implies the existence of an affiliation of clowns who've prioritized their mental health

Tweet from 'MAGA Michelle S' says, "I will be filing Police Reports against anyone that takes a screenshot of my Twitter posts. This is a warning to all liberals. Take a screenshot and you will be getting a visit from the State Police and FBI."

I had to screenshot this.

The smartest person in the room is
never the one who thinks they are.

( Starbucks barista giving police a
description of the armed robber )

“Latte male … grande height …
venti weight …”

If you're going to talk shit, don't be a coward and do it behind peoples' back.
If you can't look in their eyes and say it, there's nothing to be said.

Writers aren’t my typo.

Some people will weaken you on purpose and hate you for that weakness.
Fuck 'em.
Let yourself be weak; at least you're not a coward.

me: my dog is a god girl

friend: you mean good girl

*my corgi shoots lasers from her eyes burning my friend to a crisp*

me: no

Lucifer was the only angel who had the nerve to want equality. Lilith was the only human.
Funny how they're both demons with free will now.

It's funny how people without pizzas in their hands actually think I'll answer my door.

Fabergé was just a bit ahead of his time on egg prices.

Late for work this morning is brought to you by the soul crushing realization that it's Monday and this is my life.

Looks like I picked the wrong week
to give up despair.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a visor, a window awning, or Lyle Waggoner's in the 1970s.

I moved an icon on my phone so if you don't hear from me for a bit it's cause I just need some time

An optometrist sharing a practice with a psychiatrist called “2 in the blink, 1 in the shrink”

Ask your doctor if laying down in the middle of the road is right for you.

Me: [angrily flipping over table] YOU CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
Daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

Who called it Viagra …
and not Fix-a-Flat ?

I’m not so much of a dreamboat as I am a shipwreck.

MY BULLY, AGE 12: Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks in the world.

ME: Talk to the head Trevor, because that’s where my ears are.