Humayoun Mirza

If you turn me off and then immediately turn me back on I’ll reset to factory settings and also be sexually confused

*puts phone on charger*

drink your juice Shelby

establish dominance after being pulled over by asking to see the cops license and registration

Futures are down. Your futures. Also, the stock market is down.

Morpheus: You take the blue pill, the story ends. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Neo: OK. But what’s with the yellow pill?

Morpheus: Makes you pee.

Retire? In this economy?

I identify as “No Thank You”

be the bag they’ll regret fumbling

Oven clock, we meet again.

They should invent a way out that isn't through

i’m not saving daylight this year you guys are on your own

bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece

it feels good to block randos who like shitty takes, esp if they follow you

What does it mean if your farts open a portal to Hell?

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

if you can’t find your way to me among my eleven pillows on my bed then that’s your problem pumpkin

You can be a 10/10 but be a 1 if you have no common sense

GENIE: what is your wish

ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds

GENIE: sorry the machine is down

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

after i say “that’s crazy” twice please wrap up your story

My posts are the equivalent of an unenthusiastic hand job.

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

The witches with the cards. They know shit.

18 fucking months ago I quit my fucking job...I was fucking tired of being stressed and angry at fucking everything.
It has made a fucking world of difference

I never fucking cared if other people found my life fucking interesting as long as I was fucking interested in it

ME: pack a bag, we’re flying to kansas

MY WAYWARD SON: what kind of bag

ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”

WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney

imagine hating me and i’m just over here using the white strings at the bottom of my jeans as floss

interesting how you rarely see two women doing a job that requires one person
*pattern recognition*