*me confidently explaining the mess on the floor next to me at the gym

“Poop is just weakness leaving your body”

After blowing all his NBA money, Air Bud is now working for minimum wage

It’s pronounced jaslighting fyi

Hope you enjoy today's gaslighting!

Jesus was on to something when he came up with never ending breadsticks

now I’ve lost it

Pretty sure die is in there somewhere

I feel like I just saw pizza topped with salad but then I just kept scrolling bc no I didn’t

I don’t know why Tolkien called a meeting of wizards “the white council” when “staff meeting” was right there.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

What kind of bullshit they got to say about me in here?

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian]

me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight

St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

Yeah, like any of us are "popular with friends."

Between checking myself and wrecking myself, I keep pretty busy.

(amoeba suddenly becoming self-aware):

holy shit i'm an amoeba

It looks like I just have to accept that the 'nudist lifestyle' is not one I'm built for.

At least that's what my fellow passengers are telling me.

Them: what’s your retirement plan?

Me: you mean death?

the ever-increasing energy crisis, brought to you by the never-ending pursuit of humanlike fuck robots

your TL is trash
*followed*

Sometimes all you can do is make the world 0.0000000000001% less awful by being a good person and it feels very meaningless but it’s also the only thing that really matters

Always read the fine print.

Praying for someone else's sins is the ultimate "I'd like to speak to the manager"

these are the horrors of our lives

Not to get too controversial, but I believe the Grinch learned to love Christmas too much and evolved into what we now know as Michael Bublé.

ok I’m ready to go home now 😊

This yr I’m setting realistic goals:
1) get out of bed
2) don’t bite anyone

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

(Family hoping I will stick to my new years resolution to stop doing wacky stuff)

Me: (on Jan 2) Ok, so the prison bus rental guy will be here any minute with my prison bus...

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.