The best ideas are written down in cheap notebooks.

Most of the microplastics I ingest come from scraping melted cheese off the film covers of frozen dinners.

They are overexposing Alyssa Liu into invisibility a month from now.

April 2026. Nancy Guthrie is returned alive and unharmed. Savannah is back on the Today Show. Her phone rings on-the-air twice an hour. She says, "It's my mom. I have to take this."

Guys who shave their balls: have you ever considered being a watchmaker?

Maybe a decade from now, The Franklin Mint will issue a commemorative coin set featuring the people in the Epstein files.

Am I going crazy or do they really make urinal deodorant pucks now that smell like chocolate?

I have a Thai cookbook that says that durian tastes like a fine creme caramel eaten over an open sewer.

There was someone at work who kept a candy dish on her desk, treats for passers-by. On her day off, we filled the dish with durian candy. Someone puked into a trash can after trying one.

Alyssa Liu was a welcome break from the Epstein Files

Especially when you do the prep at work.

having your city noticed by the president is now a natural disaster on par with a hurricane or major flood

Is Woody Guthrie still missing?

It's not the capacity, it's the turnover.

The Winter Olympics makes me want to give snow a second chance.

At what point did you run out of cork?

To draw the electoral map, get a map of the USA divided by counties, and color in red the counties you fear you'll be buttfucked by toothless hicks.

Paul Russell, in his book, 'Class", suggested the answer, "Thank you, but I have other plans."

Saatva is making the mattresses for the LA Olympics

Waiting for a figure skating pair to write a sex manual.

Saw a car window decal today that read, "In case of immigrant, break glass."

What a country.

I'm sorry.

Everything I fucking own is wabi-sabi.

Life would be better if people would realize that their most important insights don't arrive in under 30 seconds.

I wanna get the band back together but I never had a band.

throw back the sheets
reach down

alarm the animals
and make the trees rustle

summon me

I'm glad that people who bet in prediction markets that he'd die list their money.

I feel better about myself when I live in an ugly town.

Empty the high school trophy case and give them all to him. See if that shuts him up

Do the African editions of National Geographic show pictures of American girls getting their ears pierced at the mall?