TIMOTHY CHALAMET: nobody gives a fuck about a guy cranking an organ grinder.
ME: you stupid fucking piece of shit
TIMOTHY CHALAMET: and nobody gives a fuck about the monkey with a little hat going around and collecting tips
ME: philistine. Uncultured Swine
every CEO needs to make an awkward video where they are forced to eat their product. McDonald’s. Burger King. Goodyear.
CAMPING CHAIR: I am the ultimate chair for portable relaxation
CAMPING CHAIR WITH A CUPHOLDER IN THE ARMREST: hold my beer..
um.. are you ok? You’ve hardly worn your baby shoes
when your nemesis has you captured and dead to rights the best thing to do is a Fucking Awesome Move that immediately turns the tables
Mister President- this military action in Iran is disgusting and unthinkable and inhumane. Unless you followed the correct process. In which case, yay bomb those kids!!
ummm ok Trump if you’re sending all of our troops to Iran then who the hell is going to shoot me in the head when I forget to bring my third grade report card to vote on Election Day
me and Donald Rumsfeld are doing Jagerbombs after I won gold medal in Olympic Bloody Knuckles
BRITISH GUY IN THE EPSTEIN FILES: I’ve lost me job and they’re sending me to Saint William’s Prison for Criminal Nonces
AMERICAN GUY IN THE EPSTEIN FILES:
- shirt off ✅
- wet jeans on ✅
- chugging milk with the “you can do it!” Guy from The Waterboy ✅
if I were a billionaire with his own island I would invite all of the worlds most powerful people to come watch me and my wife have consensual missionary sex
(after remembering that it’s Mark from down the hall’s birthday) Hall Mark ass holiday..
the first thing we want AI to do is replace stuff we like such as art and music. Why not focus on it replacing stuff we don’t like first, such as AI and CEOs that talk about AI
I love that conservatives made a special halftime show just for idiots. They should do that with more stuff. The Oscars but for Idiots. New Years Rockin Eve but for Idiots. Young Sheldon for Idiots
1984 was a documentary
the internet is dead lol
holy shit. The divorce proceedings that occurred during the Kid Rock alternate halftime show were actually real
Stafford had a great year, but gonna be honest there were several players I think were more deserving of an MVP award than these daughters
me and the boys got 400 canisters of Clorox wipes and we’re going sicko mode on the Air BnB’s septic tank
Thank you TP USA for offering an Uncle Kracker concert as an alternative to my daughter’s dumbass piano recital
being sued into the poorhouse by the Cardboard Box Factory that just fired me because they say I stole the box I used to carry out my belongings
ok everyone please stop asking me about my sinister network of billionaire perverts and please start asking me about my wife’s documentary
Oh hell no.. Elmer is losing his shit right now. He is so pissed that Wascally Wabbit is doing the Super Bowl halftime show
(my family surprising me with an intervention for my bath salts habit) something about this feels organized… coordinated by some sort of secret leftist network
And the winner for best original screenplay is Darren Aronofsky for “John Wick meets Home Alone kid meets Harry Potter dead eyed faces no coherent plot slow motion everything centered and looks like a credit card commercial ok generate a whole movie go”
(seeing a random nurse record my army of tens of thousands of paid violent agitators on his phone) this guy is a paid agitator
the guys in ICE are actually perfect for a job that involves knocking on everyone’s door because they all had to do that in their neighborhood to tell everyone they’re sex offenders
conservatives rock because for like fifty years they called everything that was labeled "natural" or "organic" gay hippie bullshit, but now they threaten to shoot you in the head if you try to drink milk without Listeria in it
getting into the men’s body dysmorphia algorithm
The Nobel Prize didn’t give me the award for Not Jacking Off. Well guess what. No more mister nice guy. I’m whacking it like crazy right now. Actions have consequences
a violent armed and masked man running into traffic is actually one of the few scenarios where you’re allowed to hit a guy with your car
