At number 69?

I have colour coded key fobs for my house keys: pink for the front door; brown for the back door.

The frothing noise my Nespresso machine makes is the exact same sound as the very end of Karma Police, by Radiohead. Drives my wife nuts that I robotically transition into 'Fitter...Happier...More Productive.." everytime I'm making a coffee. Fesshole GOLD from 9th January 2021

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

the cost of war ☹️

Christmas presents for soldiers killed in action await 'return to sender' stamps, 1944
💔😢💔😢

Friend reached into my cupholder and had a few of the chocolate mini eggs. RAVED about the new flavour. Didn't have the heart to tell her I had picked them up from the road salt encrusted floor mat and forgot to bin them.

Put fake nails on my right hand, sat on it till it went numb, then gave myself a shandy. Figured it would feel like someone else was doing it, actually was more like being wanked off by a corpse. Would not recommend.

It wasnt clothes getting tighter, or my belt needing a new hole that alerted me of the urgent need to shed some flub. It was realising I was now unable to reach my hoop to insert pile suppositories because my arse had grown too ample for my arms to reach the target.

Early 90s, working in IT Support for a national company, I really fancied a girl who worked in the sales department. Ensured her computer would fail every week so I would have to go to her desk and fix it. Did my plan work ? Nope, she hated me.

I've given up drinking but I don't want anyone in the house to know, to alleviate any pressure on me. When we go shopping I still buy wine but hide it to make it look like I'm still drinking it. I'm a functioning non-alcoholic hiding the evidence of my non drinking ways

I'm currently on long term sick leave. My day is now based around my gym classes and coffee with my middle-aged female friends. I'm one of the girls and living my absolute best life. I'm a man in my fifties

Wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary recently and decided to rewatch our wedding video. Thought it would be a lovely trip down memory lane. Instead we were both depressed at how young, thin, attractive and full of energy we both looked. Turned it off.

On a night out with a girl I excused myself to go to the loo. I was gone for a few minutes and pretended it was do a big ol' shit. Really it was because my Duolingo streak was about to expire.

sign printed on a ceramic brick wall at Stepney Green tube station in London. Says - To The Trains. With a lovely finger pointing down the stairs to the platform

A finger point rather than a fingerpost.

#FingerpostFriday

I once finished fourth at the Commonwealth Games. I was fucking proud of what I did but the reaction of friends has always been either pity or mocking for missing out on a medal. What's your greatest life achievement Dave? Middle management at B&Q?

I work for a family owned business of racist, right wing Brexiteers who do most of their business in Europe. It's just hitting home how leaving is going to hurt them. I hope their business fails even if it costs me my job in the process. Fesshole GOLD from 4th January 2021

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

When my wife turned 50, she and I and our two kids went on a six-week European holiday - then when I turned 50 a few years later, she gave me a pen. She turns 60 next year and is making noises about another overseas trip, but I think I'll just use my pen to write her a card.

a group of women are dancing in a room with the words `` you don 't own me '' written on the floor . Alt: a group of women are dancing in a room with the words `` you don 't own me '' written on the floor .

If men are concerned that women aren’t interested in them, the fastest way to stop women from wanting to marry is to pass the SAVE Act. The fastest way to stop women from wanting babies is to endanger their lives if they happen to miscarry because of ridiculous abortion laws. Men can’t control us.

I am terrible at remembering names at parties so I often introduce them to someone else in the hopes they will say their name again and I can remember this time. I have a reputation as a person to know for introductions. It's only because my memory is bad.

Been in a friends-with-benefits situation with a pal for about 8 years. Both in our 40's both single the whole time. Great sex, great company, our kids are pals at school. I'm not sure at what point we just admit we're in a relationship. Scared to bring it up in case it ruins it.

GF years ago decided to get me excited in the morning by knocking one out in bed as I dozed. As she neared her "crescendo," I jokingly leaned over and asked her if she wanted me to tape Kilroy. We broke up that evening, after a tense day.

I'm often a few thousand steps short of my daily 10k when I work from home, so I'll walk around town at 10pm with a can of beer from the offie.

Freshers week, drunk, took a girl home. Did everything bar sex. I had a girlfriend and she knew that. Woke up next to her, acted worried like I remembered nothing. She said "don't worry nothing happened". Now been one of my best mates for 12yrs and we've never mentioned it again.

When I was younger I played on Sims, and got off on watching them have sex, a lot. Which in turn meant I'd end up with a lot of babies. Decided to keep two and raise them in a normal happy family setting and then put the rest in a secret room where I left them to die.

When I was about ten, I found £140 in cash on the pavement. Handed it in and it got returned to owner. They never gave me any reward. This was now 40 years ago but every day I still think they're fucking BASTARDS. Fesshole GOLD from 4th January 2021

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

Someone sent me a website where I could make a willy spin in a circle by moving my mouse, I got into it right away. After the counter hit 1000, I messaged them how far I got, and they said it was a shock site not a game. It was just a GIF, no mouse needed.