Marc 🏳️‍🌈🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🚍📚

Awh wook at that widdle gwumpy face 😠😚

If we let the British public have their say on the designs for new banknotes, we'll end up with shit like "notey mcnoteface" and that twee cartoon of Paddington walking the Queen into the great beyond 😭

Why do modern hotel rooms have so many mirrors?? This is the place where I either look tired before bed or look bleary-eyed and bed-headed after just waking up.

I don't need to see myself ALL THE TIME. One mirror is ENOUGH.

I'll bring the vodka gummy bears

"inadvertedly"

A mum on the train nipped to the luggage rack to prep for getting off, leaving her two kids at the table for all of 2 minutes

As soon as she left, the girl wrapped her hands around the boy's neck and THROTTLED him – to the extent that an old lady had to shout and separate them

Absolute demon omg 😳

Living alone when the world is spiralling and burning isn't fun – I need more distraction or I literally won't cope

Brb running to the courthouse for an evidential requisition order

Might need you to do 'em again so I can grade accurately – y'know, for science

I was travelling for work Mon-Fri this week, had stuff to catch up on over the weekend, and am travelling again tomorrow

Anyone wanna live in my house for me? 🫩

cheesin and squeezin

Now TV and Sky really need to better calibrate their in-app advertising because why did I just sit through a minute-long ad for the summer sports package before an episode of Sex and the City? 😭

Being tired and stressed by work is compounded tenfold when, on top of it all, you look at the news and think, "What even is the point of any of it?"

Accidentally scanned my pass on the wrong pad and opened a set of doors instead of signing in and a bunch of office normies absolutely LOST it

Not even 8am and they've already had the highlight of their days

Some woman on the train is having a convo on loudspeaker whilst wearing headphones.

I thought she'd accidentally disconnected the headphones, but no. She's holding the phone to her mouth and then her ear.

Ignorant for the love of the game.

We don't care about your work schedule tomorrow. SHUSH.

I noticed that last time and PRAYED I'd misheard 😭

If Zohran doesn't urgently address this it's hard to see how he has a path to re-election in '29 😞

🚨 BREAKING*

*down nervously

(because seriously, with everything, wtf 😭)

bf: "Why are there so many humans in Star Wars?"

me: "They're the most readily available actors."

bf: "Oh. Wait—"

Always at the ready with one of these up my sleeve 🤭

Otherwise it would be tempting to tell them that the country's full and public services are already at breaking point 🤷‍♂️

The Brits who moved to Dubai to dodge taxes and demonise their homeland from afar should be hit with a hefty bill before boarding any planes.

Fair's fair when chickens come home to roost on a taxpayer-funded rescue flight.

Oh! Very considerate of you to alert me to your presence like that!

Evenin'

First Caerphilly, now Gorton and Denton.

Coming third in a two-horse race is certainly an interesting execution of Starmer's "only Labour can beat Reform" strategy.

In this – or any – timeline, it should be so easy for Trump to treat Mamdani like just another political opp

And yet:

Help – he ran out of hair product and now my golden retriever's fur is too fluffy

This hotel room doesn't even have a name, it has a number – welcome to ✨the Victoria Suite✨

(Somehow this feels like a very fortunate mistake)

People who vape in the street and puff their horrible clouds in the faces of other people are tacky as hell

😭😭