Edgar Allan Joe

[Christian Bale pointing at his photo album]

*gravelly voice* I’m that man.

you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a cursed relic unearthed by naive mortals

but they were, all of them, deceived, for a younger Sheldon was forged

When I have cabin fever I go cabout

If a guy mansplains hard enough, a podcast spontaneously generates for him to host.

I was going to post a joke about that old Michael McDonald song but I keep forgetting.

Them.. you married? Me.. I’m in a commitment to staying single.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse.

hiding my ibuprofen in a rolled up slice of cheese

Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Affordable Apartment

Autocorrect is just that kid in class who used to very confidently yell out wrong answers.

Taking in a Saturday double manatee.

They should make crocs for other parts of the body

That sneaky feeling of cheating the system when a tv show says “for mature audiences.”

The episode where Ryan is talking about Dunder Mifflin Infinity is literally Elon's X

i liked your post. i don't know what it means. i trust you

I am not on Tinder or Bumble but if I were, my profile pic would be me holding up a bagged loaf of bread like a fish

An ashtray, but to tap off cookie crumbs in between bites.

With great power comes great electric bills.

Macabre writing mentors try to maximize their protégés’ Edgar Allan Potential

Moms at the dojo be like “I JUST SWEPT THIS LEG A MINUTE AGO.”

That one actor in a period movie who looks like they really don’t belong but are having lots of fun playing dress-up

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Rewatching the Next Generation episode where Wesley is scheduled to be executed on that planet and wondering whether the producers considered just letting it happen

row your boat

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The Secret of Nimh is a worst-case scenario about asking friends to help you move.

“Excuse me. Sorry.” I vaguely say after bumping into a wall

🎶 I have run
I have crawled
I can’t find
That silly Waldo
That silly Waldo

me:

the pirate i kicked in the crotch: